Finishing Touches
a novel
LK Hunsaker
Elucidate
Publishing
elucidatepublishing.net
second edition ©2010 LK Hunsaker
Smashwords Edition
Trade Paperback
Edition ©2003
Infinity Publishing ISBN
0-7414-1647-6
www.buybooksontheweb.com
Cover design by LK Hunsaker
www.LKHunsaker.com
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted by any means without permission in writing from the publisher. Short quotes for public reviews excepted if such reviews are announced to the publisher through its contact site.
Ebooks may not be shared or redistributed in any manner. If you would like to provide a copy as a gift, please purchase another at Smashwords.com. Thank you for supporting independent authors!
This
is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either
are the product of the author’s imagination or are used
fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons,
living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
One
Jenna inhaled deeply, allowing crisp fall air to invade her body. Feeling a nip of winter creep through the open window, she pulled the plush blanket higher around her baby’s shoulders. Jenna loved the precious time spent rocking her child to sleep while he snuggled into her breast. At these moments, she felt the most connected to her only love. She also missed him the most vividly.
Running her fingertips over Aaron’s tiny head, Jenna studied the perfect little features, so like his father’s. Daniel had never tried to conceal the pride he felt whenever someone mentioned how much his son resembled him. He considered the child his greatest work of art, and his most important. Jenna’s husband had been many things, but humble was never one of them. She couldn’t help a grin at recalling his admission that he was a very good-looking guy. And he really was, or had been. Even after he got sick and lost too much weight, his features had still been perfect and his eyes absolutely beautiful.
She snuggled her baby closer and returned her gaze to beyond the window. The view from their loft was breathtaking at this time of the year, with hundreds of maple trees along the banks of the Illinois River boasting their shades of red and yellow and green and brown. The Spirit of Peoria, a reproduction of the beloved old riverboats, often sailed by with passengers walking the decks or standing at the rails. Six years earlier, Jenna and Daniel watched the Julia Belle Swain together whenever they caught it floating along the river. Once, covered only with a sheet pulled from their bed, they had stood before the large window and talked of taking the short cruise on the old paddle-wheel. Some day.
“Some day” had never come. Neither had so many other days they planned. Their time together centered around his painting, but then, he told her to expect that. She hadn’t argued when he refused to go out because he was working or when she had to go to bed alone. She had been warned and willingly accepted his terms. The naivete of youth, Jenna mused. Now, there was no later for them. The Julia Belle and Daniel were both gone.
His baby stirred in her arms and Jenna coerced herself to rise slowly, moving across the loft to settle Aaron in his crib. Convinced he was still slumbering, she wandered into the kitchen to pour a cup of mint tea, a habit she had developed while carrying her first child. Daniel’s mother suggested it might help settle her stomach and it seemed to work. Even well after the morning sickness was gone, Jenna continued the routine and joked with her husband that maybe he should try it as well, to calm his nerves. He didn’t like mint tea. He didn’t like boats either, except at a distance. Alan once said Daniel’s work was the only interest they shared. Jenna quickly pointed out her advanced pregnancy proved him wrong. Her friend hadn’t been amused.
Not sure what to do with herself while Aaron slept, Jenna returned to the beautifully carved oak rocking chair, a gift from her mother-in-law. Joan was nearly as excited as her son when he and Jenna were expecting their first child and she wasted no time making sure they had everything they needed for the baby. Jenna hadn’t heard from Joan recently. She considered trying to call but knew she would have to talk to two or three other people just to get through to Daniel’s mother and then most likely have to leave a message. She wasn’t up to that. A fleeting thought of calling her own mother surfaced, then dissipated. She would only try again to invite Jenna to some social gathering. And Jenna’s sister-in-law would insist on coming over and staying the day, with the kids. She wasn’t up to that, either.
Alan. He would be at work, but she could talk to Cheryl for a few minutes until her twins interrupted and ask her to say hello. Jenna didn’t want to talk to him, anyway. She only needed to feel the connection – to know he was there.
She dialed his number without stopping to think about it. She knew it better than her own.
His voice startled her.
After another prompt, she gathered herself enough to answer, grimacing at the shakiness of her voice.
“Jenna, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”
She hesitated again. No, she wasn’t, but she wouldn’t tell him that. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
“You don’t sound fine.”
With an attempt at composure, she fumbled for something to say to him now that he was on the phone. “I … I’m surprised you answered. I figured you’d be at work.”
“We just finished a big job. I gave everyone the day off.”
“Oh? How’d it go?”
“Another Nicklaus project.”
Jenna half-grinned at the term. Nicklaus had been one of her friend’s first clients, never satisfied and constantly insisting on changes. When she had still been meeting Alan on Sundays for dessert and coffee, Jenna would hear about all of the complaints and revisions of the week and make jokes to put him in a better mood. It always worked.
“Jenna?” Alan’s voice called her back.
“Sorry, I thought maybe you’d heard enough complaints recently and I should stay quiet.”
“Do you want me to come over?”
Yes, she very much wanted him to come over. “Oh, no, I’m fine. I was just checking in to see how you guys are doing. Is Justin over the flu?”
“Jenna, that was two weeks ago.”
She paused, holding her breath a moment and wishing she hadn’t called.
“I’m coming over.”
“No. Alan, it’s your day off. You should spend it with your family.”
“My family is fine; you’re not. I’ll be right there.” He didn’t give her time to respond before she heard the click from his end.
Oh, hell. She wasn’t ready for company. She hadn’t gone out in nearly a week or showered in two days, and there were dishes in the sink and baby toys and blankets on the floor. Without time to shower and clean both, Jenna decided her own cleanliness would be more noticeable, so she checked on her sleeping son and jumped into the warm water.
The doorbell found her almost presentable as she slipped into one of Daniel’s shirts, and she rolled the sleeves while heading to the door. A slow, deep breath prepared her for her friend’s visit.
Alan glanced at her wet locks. “Hey, Jen. You didn’t have to shower for me.” He gave her a small kiss on the cheek in his usual casual style and waited to be asked in farther.
“You didn’t have to come over.” She studied her friend. All the work he did outside was so good for him. He always had a beautiful tan and his muscles were well-toned. Daniel had been very pale-skinned and burned easily.
“It sounded like you need company. Has your sister-in-law been over recently?”
“No, her kids have been sick, too, and she didn’t want to give it to us. I guess that’s what I was thinking when I asked about Justin.” She motioned for him to step in and closed the door softly, having learned to keep everything as quiet as possible while Aaron was asleep. He even slept as lightly as his father had.
Alan scanned the area as he strode easily to the small couch. Everything in the loft was small, except the space still reserved for Daniel’s easels and canvases and large paint-stained work table.
Jenna only half-followed her friend, wishing she had cleaned up earlier. “Do you want a drink? I think all I have is juice, but I can make some iced tea.”
“No, I’m fine. Come sit down.”
Sitting alone with him was the last thing she wanted. She could hide her emotions well from everyone else but had never been able to keep anything from Alan. They had been friends since his family moved in across the street when Jenna was eleven, and she spent more of her teenage years with him and his family than with her own parents.
As a distraction, she went to the sink and turned water on to part fill the metal basin. Alan moved to her side and took the dishes from her hands to dry, talking easily of his kids and his job. He never brought up his wife unless Jenna asked about her. She knew they got along well. They always had. Cheryl was a wonderful person, very devoted to her family and especially to her husband. And she was a neat freak. Her house was always immaculate. How she did it with three kids, Jenna couldn’t begin to imagine. But Cheryl completely adored Alan and he never did anything to upset her.
A quiet fuss from the opposite end of the room drew her out of her thoughts and she went to collect her baby from the crib which had claimed part of Daniel’s studio space. Alan set to work putting the dishes away as she sat down to nurse Aaron. She knew it made her friend uncomfortable when she nursed in front of him, although she kept herself covered and Cheryl had nursed all three of their babies. But there was no such thing as privacy in the loft, unless she wanted to disappear behind the curtain that hid their bed … her bed … from the living area. And she didn’t want to sit back there right now. She often slept curled up on the couch instead of going to Daniel’s bed alone.
Her mother tried to convince her to move since Jenna had no further reason to live in an art studio, but she couldn’t bring herself to sell it and couldn’t move out and leave it empty. Maybe she would get around to redecorating some day, make it presentable for company. A useless idea, Jenna laughed to herself, since she was out of the habit of entertaining and was content letting it match her memory of the first time she stepped inside. She still thought of that moment as the rebirth into her new life – the life of her own choosing.
Her parents had worked everything out for her from the beginning. Their only child would graduate with honors from the school close to where they had carefully chosen to live, then attend the University of Illinois, as they both had. After getting to know Alan and his family well, her mother decided they would be the perfect match. Alan was two years older than Jenna, a very good student, responsible, hard working and well-mannered. His parents weren’t in the same social class as Jenna’s parents, but Alan could get there with his career plans. He would also graduate from U of I and work on building a foundation for a family the following two years Jenna would need to finish school. Then they could marry and Jenna could start on her own career.
There were only two major problems with the plan. Alan had been intent on getting a job after earning his associates degree in horticulture from Illinois Central College, possibly continuing school after building his bank account. And Jenna never had any interest in marrying Alan. He was her friend, nothing more.
Illinois Central. The junior college in East Peoria hadn’t entered her mind in a long while. She wondered if any of its students could possibly have memories of the school that would come even close to equaling her own. Alan tried to talk her into going there after high school. He’d said it was the perfect place to decide what she wanted to do. She could take some basic classes as well as some that sounded interesting and would eventually find something to hold her easily-distracted attention. He even took her with him during spring break of her senior year to check it out. That was where she met Daniel.
She did like art. So Alan asked his art professor to let her sit in on his basic drawing class. Jenna could still see it clearly.
The students studied an elegant round vase that sat atop an old, weathered crate. The vase held a large handful of wildflowers. Jenna loved the mixture of old and new, of smooth and rough, of splintering grayness and soft pastels. And the flowers were fresh. Their scent mingled with the dampness of the basement classroom.
She felt out of place being the only person, other than the professor, not trying to capture the objects with charcoal and newsprint. The quiet was disarming, broken only by soft scratches made by budding artists and the occasional creak of metal stools or tapping of a nervous foot against the concrete floor.
The professor, a man who looked like he had been teaching a good many years, crept silently around the circle of art tables, stopping occasionally to study a student’s technique but not interfering in his work. Until he came to an intense-looking male sitting directly across from Jenna. She had noticed the guy immediately upon entering, first because he was the only one with the initiative to begin working before class officially started, and then, because he seemed totally unaware of anyone else in the room. He had the darkest hair she had ever seen on someone so pale, and had strong, but small, features. She thought he had occasionally looked over at her while drawing the still life but scorned herself for even thinking that he would. She just happened to be behind the object he studied.
The professor stood over his shoulder. “Mr. Rhodes, you seem to have overshot the still life I so carefully set up this morning.”
The young artist didn’t bother to stop sketching. “I wasn’t interested in drawing flowers, so I found something I was interested in.”
Jenna waited for the reaction as a couple of others snickered. Surprisingly, the older man threw a crooked grin behind the artist’s head and moved on to the next student. “This must be why Einstein received poor marks in school.”
There was no response. The interruption hadn’t stopped his work. Jenna had a hard time keeping her eyes from him. He still seemed to be watching her.
With twenty minutes left of the hour, it was time for critiques. The students, all in turn, set their drawings up on an easel and listened to comments from the others. The defiant, but good-natured, young man found something constructive to say about each and was the last to place his work up for review.
Jenna gasped. She sat for a moment staring at her own face, an increasing warmth in her cheeks. He had taken the liberty of drawing her shoulders uncovered, luckily not getting any farther than her shoulders, but the likeness was incredible. He received plenty of compliments from the class and the professor finally asked for her opinion.
“What?” She couldn’t look at the artist who had made her blush.
“I think he should hear what you think of his work.”
She felt Alan’s eyes on her. He would not be happy about this. But the class was waiting. Jenna focused on the drawing. “It’s … it’s better than real life.” Catching a glimpse of the artist’s grin, she looked away quickly. He packed his things and left the room.
“Jenna? Jenna, what are you thinking so hard about?”
Alan’s voice drew her from her memories, and she took a deep, quick breath. “College.”
“Oh? Are you thinking about going?” He sat back against the couch, keeping his eyes away from the feeding baby.
“Going? Me?”
“Why not?”
“To do what?”
“Didn’t you just say you were thinking about college?”
“Yes, but…” She stopped short, not about to admit where her thoughts had been.
He slowly stood and moved to the chair on the opposite side of the small end table. “Jen, I know the baby is still young enough you want to stay home with him, but you should at least start thinking about what you’re going to do.”
“The baby has a name. His name is Aaron, after his father, Daniel Aaron. I know you never liked him, but I loved him and I still love him and I can’t even think about the future. All I can handle now is day to day and sometimes I’m not sure I can handle that.” She lowered her voice as her baby objected and adjusted herself to raise him to her shoulder.
Rubbing his back helped her relax and she apologized to her friend. “Alan, you know I had no idea what I wanted before Daniel, and I sure as hell don’t know what to do now.”
“I know.” He had lowered his eyes while she was refastening her nursing bra but now faced her directly. “Jenna, I never disliked Daniel.”
“Then why did you stop coming over?”
“Because he didn’t want me here.”
“I wanted you here.”
“You could have come over any time. Cheryl loves visiting with you. You didn’t have to isolate yourself because Daniel wanted to be isolated.”
“He didn’t want to be isolated, he just…”
“Wanted to be left alone to work. I know, but he did isolate you. You always had a bunch of friends in school you never see anymore. Have you even talked with Karla recently?”
She shook her head. He was right. She missed running around with her cousin and chatting about anything and everything.
“I didn’t dislike him; I just didn’t like what he was doing to you.”
“It was my choice and I loved being with him.”
“But you lost yourself….”
“No. Alan, I found myself with Daniel. I was lost before him and I’m even more lost without him now.”
He began to argue but decided against it. “Jen, come spend the day with us.”
With the happy couple and their three kids? “No, thank you. I don’t really feel like going out.”
“Maybe not, but you need to. There’s a new art exhibition at Lakeview. Why don’t we go see it?”
Art? “No.”
“Jenna.”
“No. Alan, I can’t…”
“Okay, what about the zoo? The kids have been bugging us to take them again…”
“Then you should do that. We’re fine right here.”
Her tone made it clear he wouldn’t be able to change her mind and he gave in with a nod. “Well, I’m going to go. Cheryl didn’t mind me coming over, but I think she was looking forward to having the day together, so…”
“So, you should go spend time with your family, like I told you over the phone.”
She hadn’t meant it as harshly as the look in his eyes said it had sounded. Well, she couldn’t help that. She had asked him not to come.
Aaron started to fuss for the rest of his meal and Alan insisted she not get up to see him out. Jenna refused to watch him leave, but the click of the door nearly changed her mind. The rest of the day would be only her and her baby, again.
Cradling Aaron in the other arm, she appreciated the grateful expression he threw her for allowing him to finish nursing.
At least she had him. And he was strong and healthy. How could Alan have expected she would visit him and his pregnant wife after she lost Daniel’s first child? Her friend wouldn’t have had to stop coming over because Daniel didn’t want to visit. She had wanted to see Alan, not his wife who reminded her of what she lost. Her husband hadn’t isolated her. Losing his baby had isolated her. He wanted children. He had wanted children maybe even more than he wanted her. They were the link to the future he somehow knew he wouldn’t have of his own. And she couldn’t have handled walking around watching all of the families laughing and talking and making her feel like such a failure for not being able to carry her baby full-term.
But Daniel had loved her, even if she failed him.
The time he had given her always felt too limited, but it had been complete … and intense. Nothing distracted him from what he chose as his focus, and he focused on her often enough to keep her from feeling neglected, except for their bad time. She wouldn’t let herself think about that. There was no point. Instead, she chose to remember how he picked her out from the crowds of girls around the campus.
After the art class, Alan left her sitting in the center area of the college. The main building of Illinois Central formed a nearly complete oval around a large open area paved with the same red brick. It reminded Jenna of an old amphitheater, the way the oval dropped into different levels. She could still clearly see the picnic tables scattered around the upper level, with students propped on their seats. A few were studying, but most chatted with others between classes. The narrow mid level was interrupted by short, wide columns of brick holding small trees, providing additional seats for loungers who wanted slight shade. The lowest level, only several inches from the highest, was free of obstacles and Jenna watched three males use it as a Frisbee court. She kept her eyes averted from the guy who had removed his shirt and shoes and was lying on a towel in his shorts with his head propped on his backpack. She thought it was still a little cool for tanning, but the sky was absolutely cloudless and the air was fresh following last night’s spring shower.
She had chosen to sit just below the highest step and nearly against one of the tree columns. She didn’t need it for support, preferring to sit with her legs crossed in front, but she didn’t want to be too much in the open. Pulling her eyes from the Frisbee game, Jenna went back to her book.
“What are you reading?”
The voice was less startling than the face she found. It was the defiant young artist. He casually planted himself next to her, lifting the book enough to see the cover.
“The Agony and the Ecstasy? That’s a good one. Have you read Lust for Life? Same author.”
“No, not yet. I just finished Love Is Eternal.”
“Irving Stone fan?”
“I’m becoming one.” She stole glances of his face as he studied her overtly.
“So, where’s your friend?”
Friend. Was he trying to find out more than he asked? “He’s in botany.”
“Botany? On purpose?”
Jenna couldn’t help grinning at his expression, and she agreed with him. “He’s studying to be a landscape engineer. He understands all that stuff.”
He nodded, amused. “And you? What do you want to be?”
“I don’t have the slightest idea.”
His eyes pierced her skin as they ran down her arms, touched her fingers, and then returned to her face. “Have you ever considered being a model?”
Was he joking? He didn’t look like he was. So, he was either hitting on her or crazy. “I know you can’t be serious.” Jenna knew she wasn’t model material. She wasn’t built badly but was constantly fighting five or ten pounds she didn’t want and her features were too masculine for her taste. She had always wanted her jaw line to be less square and her eyes to be less narrow. Her mother had taught her tricks with carefully applied makeup to round out her jaw and widen her eyes, and she had pulled her long hair into a loose bun, leaving a couple of wisps to curl at the sides of her face. But she still wasn’t model material.
“I’m very serious.” The intense eyes continued to study her. “I thought you were being modest earlier, but you honestly have no idea how beautiful you are.”
Jenna again felt her cheeks get warm and pulled her eyes away to watch the Frisbee players.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to embarrass you. I have a terrible habit of saying what I think. But I always tell the truth, and I don’t waste my time drawing or painting anything I don’t want to see again.”
Her son pulled away, letting her know his tummy was sufficiently filled for the time being.
Jenna studied his round cheeks and square jaw. Aaron had inherited some of her appearance, though he looked much more like Daniel. Five and a half months old already. Maybe it was time to give him cereal. Wasn’t that what the pediatrician had suggested? She would have to go out to get it since she hadn’t thought that far ahead. She supposed she could. It wasn’t like she had any other plans, but she would likely run into someone who would insist on offering condolences again. Jenna didn’t want to deal with that today. Maybe she should have accepted Alan’s offer. He was good at running interference whenever the subject arose, and she missed talking to him.
With Aaron propped against her left side, she reached over to pick up the receiver, started dialing, then set it down again. She hadn’t been very nice after he had gone to the trouble of coming over. He would understand, though. He always had. But the zoo? Did she really want to go there?
Jenna pushed herself off the couch and walked over to the sketches still hanging along the corkboard strip which ran the length of the studio wall. Finding the one in her mind, she sat in front of it, holding Daniel’s son close against her heart, studying the image she could still feel. Her mother asked every time she came over, which thankfully wasn’t often, when she intended to pack Daniel’s things and try to sell the sketches. Jenna didn’t intend to do either. The loft was their home and it would stay their home.
But maybe Aaron could use some fresh air. Aaron Matthew, after Daniel Aaron and Alan Matthew. She took a long, deep breath, then made herself get up.
She again found the voice she wasn’t looking for at the other end of the telephone. “Cheryl, hi, is Alan there?”
“Hi, Jenna! He’s outside; we were just leaving. Did you want to change your mind and come with?”
He had told her she’d refused. He surely hadn’t said how rude she had been.
“Did you need to talk to him personally?”
“What? Oh, no. Just … are you sure you wouldn’t mind the intrusion?”
“Of course not.” She sounded genuinely happy. “Should we come by and pick you up?”
“No, the baby seat’s already in my car. I’ll meet you there.”
She ambled, nearly scuffing her feet, toward the entrance and stopped in front of a large stone slab bearing the words Glen Oak Zoo. The sign from which a security guard tried to kick her off until Daniel had shown him the half-done sketch. The sketch which had become the first of several Daniel had done as zoo advertisements to help pay for her engagement ring. The only one he turned into a painting. He didn’t care much about drawing animals, but he enjoyed capturing images of children pointing excitedly or pulling back nervously and he often talked about bringing his own child to sketch with the goats in the petting area, when he had a child.
With a sigh, Jenna unhooked the buckle and pulled Aaron free from the small navy stroller that looked as if paint had been thrown all over it. Anyway, that was how Denise explained her choice of patterns when she gave it to them. Jenna remarked that the multi-colored splotches were too neat. The manufacturers should have looked at Daniel’s jeans if they were trying to achieve an actual paint-splashed look. The colors needed to overlap and be different shapes, with finger-size streaks here and there. Daniel had laughed and suggested his wife join his mother’s fashion design company to create a painter’s line.
The baby gasped as the light breeze hit his mouth and Jenna turned his head into her shoulder, running a hand over his shiny dark hair. She stepped closer to the sign, touching her fingers to the coolness of the stone. The sensation triggered memories of her bare legs resting on top of the granite while Daniel carefully but quickly captured the scene with his charcoal stick. He always sketched in charcoal. He said he could get more life in a charcoal sketch than in a pencil sketch.
The leg lying against the stone had taken a while to get warm again, the other propped up so only the bottom of her foot was cold. Daniel asked her to remove her sandals because it was more natural and fitting for a zoo sign. He was the one to convince her that true art was more felt than learned. It had to come from deep within the soul.
“Are you coming in?”
Startled by a voice, she calmed her son while recognition alighted. Jenna turned to face her friend. “Yeah, I was just….”
“There’s nowhere in the city you can go without thinking of him, is there?” Alan set a hand on her shoulder. “That really is a beautiful painting – the one of you sitting here. It’s always been one of my favorites.”
She partly avoided Alan by stroking her baby’s head. “Mom keeps saying I should sell it. But it’s kind of special to me, too.”
“Jen, ignore her. She never understood.”
“Did you?” Jenna looked at him.
He pulled his hand away. “Yes, I have always understood you, more than you could know.” Reflecting a slight sadness, his eyes averted to the baby. “Come on, the kids are probably driving Cheryl crazy waiting to go in.”
Jenna didn’t protest when he took control of the stroller, but she kept her baby in her arms. And Alan didn’t argue when someone remarked what a beautiful baby they had. When his own children ran to his side, however, he had to give up helping her to become father and professor, doing his best to answer the constant questions. She reluctantly set her son back in his seat and strolled along next to Cheryl.
Alan’s wife was a willing companion, always glad to have other adults around with whom she could share her daily events. Justin, her oldest, was barely four and his biggest thrill was doing anything with his father. He had Alan’s medium brown hair and greenish brown eyes along with his grandmother’s smaller build, and his metal-framed glasses were constantly slipping down his tiny nose. Jenna couldn’t help feeling a special affection for the child. Tranquil and serious, Justin had a special kindness about him. Animals were his passion.
Alex and Rae, the twins, were nearly three and larger-boned, like their parents. Cheryl talked about them constantly, how they were more accomplices than siblings. There was never a time when only one was mischievous, and they couldn’t sit still for a minute. Their older brother had been content, since birth, playing quietly with his own things, but the twins were constantly into something, and always in it together.
Jenna half-listened to their most recent adventures while watching Alan and Justin. They were so different. Justin was more like Jenna than like his father, but Alan seemed to also have a special affinity with his eldest. Of course, Jenna and Alan had always gotten along well, too. For a while, a little too well. But that was before his marriage.
She could still feel his lips. His kiss had been more intense than she could have imagined, but she’d pulled away. Knowing how much Alan wanted to be with her during the time Daniel barely noticed she was there, and after the huge fight about Jenna refusing to go to one of Daniel’s shows after her miscarriage, Jenna let her guard down enough to let Alan kiss her. She didn’t want Alan, though, not like that. She wanted to be needed, but she wanted to be needed by her husband, not by her friend. So she pushed Alan away, and he proposed to Cheryl, who didn’t want anyone but him. Jenna wondered if Alan ever told his wife about their brief encounter. He most likely hadn’t.
Wandering away from his dad, and from the twins, who were taking too much of Alan’s attention, Justin came over to talk to the baby. Jenna watched the four-year-old touch Aaron’s fingers softly and talk to him as if her son understood every word Justin was saying. Cheryl complained about him being too dirty to play with Aaron, but Jenna said he was fine and gave him a disposable cloth to wash his fingers.
Aaron grabbed it away and put it in his mouth, scrunching his face about the taste. Justin laughed.
“Honey, don’t let him chew on that. It has soap on it.” Cheryl coaxed the cloth out of Aaron’s chubby fingers and pulled her son away to clean his hands.
“I can do it.”
“I want all the germs off. Hold still a minute.”
Jenna started to argue. She didn’t want Justin to be afraid to play with Aaron, and her son fussed for his companion to come back. But it wasn’t her place to interfere. She did notice Alan’s glance. He agreed with Jenna but wouldn’t interfere with his wife, either. He never had.
They stopped at the petting area at the end of their visit so Alan’s children could feed the goats. Aaron wanted nothing to do with the noisy animals, which was fine with Jenna. She didn’t either. Once, a long time ago, she had fed them and was disgusted by the slimy saliva their tongues left, along with the food pellets they couldn’t pick up. Alan didn’t care much for it, either. He joined her and Aaron on a nearby bench, commenting on Cheryl’s habit of hauling her camera everywhere.
Alan hated having his picture taken. Jenna didn’t especially like it but didn’t complain the way her friend did. She watched Cheryl get a close shot of Justin feeding a very small goat, one arm propped around the animal’s neck. It would make a nice photo. Jenna supposed she would have to think more about carrying a camera, to get a record of Aaron growing, but she never thought far enough ahead. Maybe Cheryl would give her a copy of that one; it would make a beautiful painting.
“What are you thinking about?”
She glanced at her friend. He was sitting closer than necessary, leaned back against the wood-slat bench, one leg propped over the other. Jenna always felt rigid in public, never able to let go of her mother’s over-emphasized lessons on posture. Alan’s constantly-relaxed attitude was one thing that attracted her to him. He made her feel at ease by being so at ease himself.
She turned back to watch his son. “You know, Justin is really good with animals. You should get him one.”
“A goat?”
Jenna grinned. “Well, maybe not a goat. But he would love a puppy and it would give him his own playmate while the twins are entertaining each other.”
“He does seem to get left out, doesn’t he?” Alan sighed. “I’m always afraid he’ll be too much of a loner.”
“You worry too much. He’s just fine, and he has a great role model.” She met his eyes for a moment, then pulled hers away to focus on her own son. He was sitting happily in his stroller, watching Justin. What would he do for a male role model? Jenna had never even met Daniel’s father, her own father wasn’t the kind of example she wanted her son to follow, and she didn’t intend to ever get married again.
Alan touched her arm. “Jen, I have a feeling Justin and Aaron will get along real well. Maybe they’ll hang out together as they get older.”
She looked up at him. He had read her mind again and was volunteering to take Daniel’s son under his wing as Alan’s parents had done for her. “I think that would be nice.”
A flash of light grabbed her attention and Cheryl laughed at catching them by surprise. Alan stood and called to his children that it was time to go. Jenna followed along, wondering if she would get a copy of that one, also. Cheryl had taken several pictures of Jenna and Alan together over the years and Jenna had most of them. Many of the snapshots Cheryl gave her were stored carelessly in a shoebox, but the ones of her and Alan were placed in her keepsake journal. And she had a beautiful picture of Alan and Justin on her refrigerator, beside the one of Cheryl with the newborn twins that she kept there only to curb suspicion. Actually, both pictures had only been put up recently. She would never have done it while Daniel was still there.
Cheryl wouldn’t let her refuse when Alan invited her over for a barbecue. And Jenna was glad for the offer.
Kicked back on a woven folding chair, eyes closed, she listened to the crickets chirp in the twilight. Cheryl had taken the kids up for their baths and Aaron was sleeping soundly in her arms. Alan was quiet, as he often was when they spent time together. Jenna enjoyed the silences with her friend as much as the conversations. She read or heard once that people who were truly comfortable with each other were never uncomfortable with the silence between them. She supposed that was true.
Shivering at a cool gust of air, she opened her eyes, checking to make sure Aaron’s blanket was still pulled up around his head.
Her movement pulled her friend’s attention from whatever he was thinking while studying his shrubs and plants, his constant habit. “Should we go in?”
“No, the air is wonderful tonight.” She loved the crispness of fall, even though it was beckoning winter to come in its place.
He chuckled. “I still think you should come work for me, as much as you love to be outside.”
“I don’t know; that much togetherness might not be such a good thing for us.” She grinned, then grew serious. “I’m sorry about being so rude earlier.”
He didn’t bother acting surprised at her apology. “It’s all right; I know I was pushing. But I worry about you, Jen.”
“I’m not much fun to be around anymore, am I?”
He sat motionless for a few seconds before pulling his chair close enough she could nearly feel the warmth of his breath. “Jenna, you need to start letting yourself live. It’s not good for you to be alone so much, and it’s not good for Aaron. You saw how happy he was today. He needs to be around other people. And so do you, whether you want to be or not.”
She stared at her best friend – the only one in the neighborhood who had seen her for who she was. To him, she wasn’t just the daughter of the revered hospital administrator who pushed her into being a socialite and the distant and discerning business editor who had made more playing the stock market than at his job at the Journal Star. Alan didn’t care about that, then, or now.
“If I get testy with you, ignore me. I don’t mean it against you. And I know you’re right. It’s just … hard.”
“Think about what you’re going to do, Jen. I’ll help you any way I can. And I know Cheryl will baby-sit if you want to go back to school.”
“And do what?”
“You like art and you’re good at it. You’d be a great teacher.”
“Art was Daniel’s thing, not mine.”
“It was yours before you met him. You have a lot of talent and a real love for it. Don’t let him take that from you, too.” He didn’t give her time to respond before standing and moving his chair back to its original position. “It’s getting late. I’ll follow you home and walk you in.”
“You don’t need to do that.”
“Don’t bother to argue. Just let me tell Cheryl.”
After Jenna settled the baby in his crib, Alan gave her another quick kiss on the cheek and thanked her for spending the day with them. He closed the door quietly.
The loft was mostly dark and seemed emptier than it had before. She stood in the hot shower longer than usual, then sat with a cup of mint tea and thought about Alan’s comment. “Don’t let him take that from you, too.”
Setting her cup down, she wandered over to the art table, pulled her journal from a drawer, and flipped the pages until finding her favorite photo. With one of Daniel’s unused sketchbooks and a charcoal pencil, she sat at his table and began a rough outline of two figures.
“Jenna, I could give you more than this. I would give you more of myself than he gives you.”
“Alan, don’t. Don’t do this to me. We’re just having some problems right now…”
“Because he’s completely ignoring your needs. He’s not being fair to you. Jen…”
She felt his chest against hers, his hands on her arms, pulling her in. The words got lost. She knew what he wanted, but … he stopped talking, feeling her giving in, accepting the closeness she so desperately needed. The warmth of his lips made her pulse quicken; the passion was so much more than she would have expected from this man she had known for years. The man who knew her better than anyone – better than her own husband knew her. Her husband…
She pulled away. “Alan….”
The intensity and longing in his face nearly drew her back. It had been so long since she had felt wanted, needed. But it was the wrong face. “I can’t do this.” Her voice was low, shaky. Her lungs filled quickly and she stepped back farther, turning away. “I can’t do this. I’m married…”
“So leave him, Jenna. I’ll wait for you.”
Leave him? How could he think she would ever leave Daniel? He was what she waited for all those years her parents had tried to shape her into a debutante. He took her away from that. He gave her the kind of life she had longed for. Well, for a while, anyway. But they would get it back again. They were both trying to adjust to his new success. He had a lot of pressure to perform for the public, to keep creating better and more beautiful paintings. He didn’t have the energy…
She missed him, though. And she missed being held and being the most important thing in someone’s life. Well, she had never been the most important. His work had always come first. But she had been a central motivator for him ever since they’d met, until recently, until…
She felt Alan’s gentle touch and didn’t fight him when his arms moved around her waist from behind. He didn’t think she was a failure. He was still attracted to her. But then, it wasn’t his child she lost.
He snuggled his face against her hair and planted a kiss on her head. Closing her eyes against the pain and the longing, Jenna felt a tear tickle her cheek. Alan pulled back and turned her to face him.
“Jen….” He wiped the moisture away. “I can’t stand to see you so unhappy. He’s not good for you. Leave him to his art. Leave him, Jen, and come to me.”
The tears fell faster and she leaned into her friend. “I can’t.” Involuntary lung spasms interrupted until she calmed herself enough to stutter the words she had to say. “ I … can’t, Alan. I … he’s my husband … I love him … I can’t … I don’t want to fail at this, too … I don’t want to fail at my marriage…”
His arms tightened around her back and a hand moved up to hold her head in against his shoulder. The soft Celtic music she used for relaxation caught her attention and she forced herself to focus on the soothing strains. Eventually, her breathing slowed and the tears stopped and she held still in his arms.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you more. I just … it’s so hard for me to watch him ignore you when I would love to be the one you wanted, when I would love to be able to give you what you want from him. I love you, Jenna.”
The tears started again and she pulled away. “I can’t see you again, Alan. I can’t do this. I’m having enough trouble trying to hold my marriage together and this isn’t helping anything.”
“Jen….”
“No, please, just go. I can’t … see you…”
He stepped closer again, trying to bridge the gap between them. “You don’t mean that. You can’t push me away.”
“I’m not leaving him. I love him and I’m going to make it work.”
“And what about us … all the years between us? You’re going to let him take that away from you?”
“Alan, you’re just my friend. I don’t love you.” She immediately regretted the way that it had come out, but she couldn’t take it back.
He lowered his head, then grabbed his coat and went to the door.
“Alan…” She caught up and took his arm. “I’m sorry, I meant….”
“No, Jenna, you don’t have any reason to be sorry. You’ve been trying to tell me that for years and I wouldn’t listen. I’ll leave you alone.”
“Don’t … not like this.”
He refused to even look at her. “Goodbye, Jen.” Pulling out of her grasp, he fled through the door without closing it.
She lay awake staring at the ceiling. The charcoal drawing still sat on Daniel’s table. Maybe she would try painting it, but she could never do it justice the way Daniel could. And so what if she couldn’t? No one had to see it. It could be something to occupy her time. Eventually she would have to think about earning a living since the royalties and money from his sales wouldn’t last forever. But for now, all she needed was a distraction.
The sky was beginning to lighten and Aaron would soon force her to start the day. Maybe she could get an hour or two of sleep first. She could show Alan her work. He wouldn’t be critical. And he would see that she did actually listen to him, occasionally.
“No, Baby, not already.” She couldn’t remember actually falling asleep, but she must have. What time was it? She turned her head to no avail. The alarm clock was blinking twelve-seventeen. The power must have gone off.
A loud clap of thunder made Aaron’s cry more insistent and Jenna rolled out of bed to find him. The cold floor surged a chill through her veins. Pulling her old sweatshirt over the long T-shirt she wore to bed, she gathered her son and took him back to cuddle in the blankets with her. He quieted immediately and began searching for her breast.
“Okay, hold on.” She pulled the garment out of his way. Rain pelted the large windows and a nearby tree danced fitfully. The weird yellow cast of the sky made her wonder whether she should find lower ground. But where would she go? She didn’t know the people who lived below her, as Daniel had always made it clear he didn’t want to be bothered. And she wasn’t about to take the baby outside in this weather.
The lightning startled Aaron again and her thoughts turned to keeping him calm. He hated loud noises but loved music. Searching her brain for a soothing melody, she began singing quietly … one of her favorites.
“Follow your heart when I’m not by your side
I’ll take you wherever I go…”
His innocent, trusting eyes peered into hers as she sang. This is what it was all about. This baby they had both wanted so badly. A new life they purposely created, knowing the likelihood she would end up a single mother, although Jenna never allowed herself to believe it would happen.
“You’ll dance in my dreams and lie in my thoughts
I’ll sing you to sleep though we’re miles apart
So rock-a-bye baby, good night
Rock-a-bye baby, it’s alright….”
She watched his perfect little face as his tummy filled and his eyelids began to flutter. When he finished, or became too tired to eat, she laid him beside her and they both ignored the rain.
His fussing stirred her again. The clock now flashed four-thirty-two and the sun was trying to peak through gray clouds. Lifting Aaron, she set a soft kiss on his head and set him in his crib. He protested at being put down, and she quickly took care of her needs and splashed cool water on her face before returning to calm him.
Jenna wondered where Alan was working now, not having thought to ask him the night before. She hoped the job would be easier than the last one and wished she could be there for the initial planning stage. He was so good at seeing a tree- and shrub-filled landscape where most people saw only grass and dirt patches. It had been ages since she wandered a parcel of land with him while he planned exactly what kind of foliage to use and just where it should be planted. Maybe it would be too wet today, though. She chuckled at herself. Even if it was still raining, Alan would be at the location, thinking and planning.
She could find out where he was. Cheryl would know. But then Jenna would have to explain why she was asking and wasn’t sure she could. She should call Karla. It would be safer than letting herself get too close to Alan again. Maybe safe wasn’t the right word. After all, he wouldn’t hit on her now that he was married. And she had really enjoyed talking with him again.
Instead of calling either friend, Jenna picked up the sketch she finished late the night before and studied the figures. Very amateurish. But it had been a while and she was out of practice. She could try it in paint instead. Were there any blank canvases left? She hadn’t been able to go through Daniel’s things other than to look at the sketches. Aaron found his plastic mirror she had placed on his blanket, so he would be fine for a while.
Lifting some partly done canvases out of the way, she found one her husband had used and covered again with gesso, unhappy with the results of his work. She could do the same. Setting it on an empty easel, Jenna rifled through his oils, looking for the right shades, hoping they weren’t too old. Choosing browns and yellows, with a red for some accent, Jenna set to work. She thought of her husband, not attempting to imitate his style, but listening to his voice describe his approach to art.
Jenna wandered around the studio side of the loft, studying the paintings, some in progress and some completed. She stopped in front of one she recognized as the sketch he had done of her at the zoo. It was now in full color on a large canvas. Her fingers ran lightly over the blades of grass, feeling not the paint, but the sharpness of the edges. And the stone reflected the sun so well she could feel the warmth from it.
“Daniel, this is beautiful. How do you make the sunlight look so real?”
He crept close enough she could feel his breath on the back of her neck. “I paint it the way I see it.”
“Do you always see things better than they really are? I mean, that’s not me … it’s…”
“I never see anything better than it is. I simply look beyond the external to find the full beauty.”
She caught her breath when his skilled fingers brushed her neck. She had again wrapped her long hair into a bun, leaving only a few wisps to fall in waves. When he didn’t get resistance, Daniel slid an arm around her waist and his fingers found the pins holding her hair. It took him no time to release them, dropping them onto the floor, and he smoothed her auburn hair, then turned her to face him.
“You are beautiful, Jenna. Will you be my inspiration?”
She couldn’t respond. She was having enough trouble breathing. And she couldn’t pull back as he moved closer. His intensity was overwhelming and his kiss made her want more. But she couldn’t. She was seventeen and her parents would have him locked up if they found out. His lips moved to her neck. How would they find out? She was supposed to be with Karla. Her cousin would cover for her like she had for other dates. But this wasn’t a date … this was…
He leaned down and took her into his arms, carrying her across the floor and to the other side of the room. She tried to ask him to stop, but the words wouldn’t come, and he set her on his bed, leaning down to kiss her again. She didn’t want him to stop. He wanted her, and he needed her, and she had wanted to be needed for so long. Finally, someone was willing to give her complete attention, and he walked away from his work to be with her.
“Daniel, I….”
“Jenna, I know. It’s all right.” He brushed her hair back again.
“I’ve never…”
“I know.” He sat up enough to pull his shirt over his head.
She cautiously raised a hand to touch his bare chest. “I’ve wanted to be yours from the moment we met.”
“I know.”
At day’s end, she had completed her first painting and began a sketch for another. Her style was nothing like Daniel’s. He was a realist, with the touch of an impressionist. She was … well, kind of expressionist and kind of surreal. And not anywhere near as talented. She wasn’t going to show this to Alan, but maybe she wouldn’t paint over it, either. She would need to get more canvas. She had seen a new art supply store the other day, one she and Daniel hadn’t been to, so maybe she wouldn’t be recognized there.
She stepped back for a better perspective, then trudged over to answer the phone. Jenna would have ignored it, but it was most likely Alan since she hadn’t talked to him in three days. He left a message on her machine a couple of times, once when she had been at the art store and once when she was letting the hot shower try to wash away the caked-on paint. She hadn’t called him back. Thoughts of the past kept invading and she wanted to be left alone to work.
“Jenna, it’s about time you answered. I’ve left several messages. Are you all right?”
Oh, hell. She should have let the machine pick up. “Hello, Mom. I’m fine.”
“You sound tired. Are you sleeping?”
“Not at the moment.”
“Jenna, I meant….”
“I know what you meant. What’s up?” She looked over at the crib. The phone must have bothered Aaron, too.
“Don’t refuse before you hear me out. There’s a social at…”
“No.”
“Jenna….”
“Mom, I don’t want to socialize.”
“…there’s a very nice young doctor who is not much older than you, a surgeon; he’s specializing in…”
Jenna held the phone away from her ear. Not again. Daniel had only been gone for barely over four months and this was at least her mother’s fifth attempt at a blind date. Of course, they were all professional men: doctors, brokers, anyone who would pull her back into the right world. But it wasn’t going to happen.
Aaron started the soft cry that warned her he was about to get upset. She put the phone back to her ear. “Mom, the baby’s awake. I have to go.”
“At least consider it. I don’t need an answer now. He’s a very nice man and I’ve checked out his record.”
“I’m sure they’re all nice, but I’m just not interested.”
“Jenna….”
“I have to go. I’ll call you later. Bye, Mom.”
Barely giving her time to respond, Jenna severed the connection. The call would probably be returned quite a while later. Although, her mom wasn’t likely to be home if she did try to reach her. She never was, and she never had been.
It wasn’t time for Aaron to be awake, so she found his pacifier and stroked his hair until he fell asleep again. She still sometimes had trouble believing now she was the mom and he would look to her for whatever he needed. And she would be at his school events, whether or not it was something that actually held an interest for her. She would be there.
With a deep breath, Jenna straightened and sauntered over to put a cup of water in the microwave. She needed her mint tea. Actually, she needed a friendly voice. Why was it that every time she talked to her mother, she ended up calling Alan? Because he knew what she had to put up with maybe. Or because she had been running to him to complain since she was eleven. Well, she was getting a little too old for that.
The beeping pulled her back and Jenna retrieved the cup and dropped in a tea bag. She tugged the string while staring into the steaming liquid. The hot moisture warmed her fingers. A young doctor, specializing in … heart surgery? Maybe he could help her out if he would replace hers so she could start over. Okay, she didn’t really want that. She didn’t want to lose what she did still have. But she sure didn’t want to be set up, either. Especially by her mother. What on earth would make her parents think she would want her child to grow up that way? With neither parent ever around to take part in his life, any part of his life?
Download this book for your ebook reader.
(Pages 1-33 show above.)