Premeditated Parenting
Foundational Christian Parenting
[Toddlers-Preteens]
Steve Nelson
BtoZ Publishing
El Paso, Texas
PREMEDITATED PARENTING
Foundational Christian Parenting [Toddlers-Preteens]
Copyright 2006, 2011, 2012 by
Steve Nelson
725 Montclair Dr.
El Paso, TX 79932
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, transmitted in any form, by electronic means, photocopying, or otherwise, without prior permission of the author.
All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated are from the Holy Bible, New International Version Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Bible Publishers. All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations marked (KJV) are from the Holy Bible King James Version.
Scripture quotations marked (The Message) are from the The Message. Copyright 1993, 1994, 1995, by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. All rights reserved.
Scriptures marked (NAS) are from the New American Standard Bible. Copyright The Lockman Foundation 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977. All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, Copyright 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, IL 60189. All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations marked (NCV) are from the New Century Version. Copyright 1987, 1988, 1991 by Word Publishing. All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations marked (TNIV) are from the Holy Bible, Today’s New International Version Copyright 2001 by International Bible Society. All rights reserved.
For the sake of clarification and consistency I have chosen to capitalize personal pronouns that refer to God, even when quoting from translations that do not follow this common practice.
Cover by Brad Dunbar.
Published by BtoZ Publishing at Smashwords
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
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Thanks
A special thanks to my wife Kathleen. She has come up with, shaped, or tweaked everything contained in these pages. She is a special woman—far more so than I can describe here.
Thanks to John Meyer, Rick Whitney, Perry Paulding, Mark Darling and the other pastors in the Great Commission Association of Churches. What Kathleen and I have learned about parenting through all of you has shaped our family immensely. So many of the examples shared here have been given and used so much that I have no idea who came up with what. Although you won’t get much acknowledgment, you do have our thanks. Many “ones” of us have been deeply impacted by your faith in action.
Thanks to our own parents for giving us a foundation of love and a reverence for God. We are grateful for a great start.
Thanks to CAR. You guys rock!
Foreword
I am thrilled that Steve has written this book. We need more resources like it, written by involved dads.
For several years I have appreciated watching Steve and Kathleen’s practical, common sense at work with their kids. I have appreciated their strong hearts and convictions. And I have especially appreciated their “Never say we can’t win!” attitude.
Their children are still young, but the wisdom, and proven daily routines outlined in Steve’s book really do work. The Nelsons are strong in their family schedules and habits, but there is also a whole lot of joy and laughter in their household.
When the foundations are strong, you can open up and experience even more grace and freedom as the years roll on. However, you need the foundations first.
Steve’s directness and strength will challenge your thinking. He will stir you up. You might want to talk with him. He would be happy to. He really is a regular guy.
Steve Nelson, as a father and a pastor, desires that every Christian family wins with its own children. And probably the first thing we need to do to win is to believe that we can.
The Nelsons are looking for parents with strong hearts and strong will power.
I think you will be deeply encouraged by this book, especially if you are just getting started with your young family.
Keep pressing,
Rick Whitney
Regional Director
Great Commission Northwest
Foreword
I have had the privilege of knowing Steve and Kathleen Nelson for thirteen years, and I lived with them for just over six of those. In that time I learned a tremendous amount and had the time of my life!
I’ve seen them apply the parenting principles written in this book with only one child, then two, and three, all the way up to number six. While each child has had a different temperament, with different strengths and weaknesses, I’ve seen that these principles work with each one.
The Nelson children are a joy to be around and a delight to spend time with. Moreover, they are secure, confident, happy children who deeply love each other, their parents, and God. They have character, a solid moral foundation, and get along well with others.
This is not the result of perfect parenting or a perfectly run household. In fact, what I love most about Steve and Kathleen is that they are a living testimony to the fact that you do not have to be perfect to have great kids. They are two of the most authentic, down-to-earth people I have ever known. If you ever visit their house you’ll notice that the yard is dead and beyond much help. As you approach the door, if you happen to glance to the right you’ll find an accumulation of Christmas trees from years past hidden behind the bushes. Dinners are not elaborate, usually consisting of a casserole, canned biscuits, and a frozen vegetable. De-cluttering means tossing as much as possible into the laundry room and shutting the door. On any given day you can walk into their home and find that a little one has usually forgotten to flush the toilet. This is encouraging to me, because I’ve realized you don’t have to have it all together to produce great, godly kids.
I share all of this with great fondness, as I have learned from them what is important and where to be flexible. Their home is comfortable, a haven from this sometimes harsh world. It is filled with laughter, chaos, tears, joy, sorrow, “owies”, kisses, and lots of snuggles. Ultimately, you’ll find it an “incubator of love,” as one friend put it. I believe that the key to their success is attributed to daily living out God’s Word in their home, giving their hearts to their kids and their roles as parents, and balance! There is a balance between love and discipline, work and play, and structure and flexibility, to name just a few.
I now have two (almost three) children of my own and am trying to figure out, like you, how to win in parenting. Thankfully, my husband and I are not trying to figure this out alone. We’ve been extremely privileged to have Steve and Kathleen, and now their children (who have been an excellent example and influence on children), as role models for our family.
Laura Polk
Friend of the Nelsons
Why Do Bad Kids Happen to Good Parents?
Does Free Will Contradict Confident Parenting?
Humbling Ourselves to a Noble Call
Balance Correction and Positive Input
God-time, God-talk, and God-giving
What the Bible Says about Discipline
How Can Outward Pain Cause Inward Change?
Immediate, Memorable, Consistent
Some Practical and Simple Commands
Can Other Forms of Discipline Be Blessed?
What to Do When Discipline Isn’t Working
Will Discipline Cause Rebellion?
The Invisible Parent (The Power of Instruction)
Making Training Effective – Keeping Them in the Barrel
Teaching Them to Sit and Play Quietly
Religion Crammed Down the Throat (Teaching Religion)
Negative Training (Bad Influences)
Training for Life’s Temptations
The Greatest Teacher (The Stranger)
Missionaries or Mission Fields
Introduction
Kathleen and I have six kids who, at the time of this writing, range in age from two to twelve. Just like the Brady Bunch, we have three boys and three girls, but unlike the Brady Bunch they are all ours. We are also excited to have another one on the way, which is really going to mess up the Brady Bunch thing. Kathleen is a home-mom, and I am a pastor at Summitview Community Church in Greeley, CO.
We’ve experienced countless precious moments with our kids—sweet prayers, steps of faith, and honest confessions. The older ones have shared their faith, are excited about God, and are developing their own deepening relationships with God. They are good kids. We are proud of all of them.
We’ve also caught one of our kids, about a year old at the time, sitting on the kitchen table with a box of cheerios dumped out around him. One of our girls cut her own hair once, which as you can imagine, did not go well. Several of them have written on the walls. Usually this occurs at an age where all they know how to write is their own name, so finding “persons of interest” in our investigations is usually not too difficult. We’ve caught them lying, stealing, cheating, yelling, hitting, threatening, biting, scheming, and doing most of the other “ings” kids do on occasion. Most of them have sampled a wide variety of deviancy over the years. These are not norms for our kids, but they are normal kids.
One time, I got so flustered at a kid, I became harsh and angry. Okay, so maybe it was more than once…
Let’s get one thing straight. We are not perfect parents. If you were to watch our family for a week, you might think we were too strict. Some of you would think we were way too easy on our kids. We are also too affectionate, although I suppose a few would think we could be far more so. We’ve been accused of being too regimented even though we often parent in the midst of clutter, chaos, and shooting from the hip. Many will say that we take the Bible too literally, and some will be appalled at how we don’t follow it closely enough. I have no doubt that we’ve broken most of the advice given in this book at one time or another. We have certainly made many mistakes and will continue to do so.
It’s not about us, is it? It’s about God. This book is about how God’s principles have helped us as parents. We don’t follow them perfectly, but we’ve been pleased with how God is shaping our children as we’ve tried to follow His principles in parenting.
This book is a mixture of our own advice and tips, as well as many timeless principles from God. The degree to which our advice lines up with God’s Word is the degree to which this book will capture God’s heart on parenting and have the greatest impact on your family.
Our hope is that this book will be a great springboard for you as you personally study out God’s Word in these matters. You don’t have to agree with Steve and Kathleen Nelson on everything. In fact, you’ll undoubtedly never find a single set of parents that raise their children exactly as you think they should. That’s okay. You don’t have to agree with us on everything, but you do need to agree with God on everything. Before, during, and after reading this book, we strongly encourage you to develop a habit of studying the Bible. What you learn and apply from the Word will impact you more profoundly than anything you learn from any book on parenting.
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.
We hope that God will bless you as you read. This book is made up of lots of small articles. This made it easier for me to write during a free minute of time here and there. Hopefully that will make it easier for busy parents to read during a free minute of time here and there.
We warmly welcome you into our lives and our thoughts.
Rethinking Parenting
Sow
a thought and you reap an act;
Sow an act and you reap a habit;
Sow a habit and you reap a character;
Sow a character and you
reap a destiny.
— Samuel Smiles
A Heart for Parenting
“We haven’t been able to revive her. You need to pray!” After about ten minutes of anxious waiting, that was the first medical report I had heard. I had felt a sense of dread for several hours already that night, and this announcement only made it more acute. Maybe that is common—I don’t know—but I had an overwhelming feeling that I was going to lose either my wife or my baby girl.
I’m sure my fears would have seemed unfounded just minutes before. It had seemed like a routine delivery, but within minutes our whole lives came crashing down. The baby’s heart rate suddenly dropped, and we were rushed into the operating room. I heard the doctor yelling, “Get the father away from the door,” but I stood and watched anyway. The last words my wife heard were, “Knife up, stat!” and she drifted into unconsciousness. Kathleen was split open on the operating table before me, and our baby, Brea, was pulled out. Brea was taken just out of my sight into a corner of the room; however, I could still see some of the doctors and nurses attending her.
After several minutes, when I realized that they were still treating her, I actually thought, “Everything must be okay. She must still be alive.” Only when I was asked to pray for my baby did I realize that they were working on her in a desperate panic and not as part of normal routine.
Another ten minutes passed before my fears were confirmed. Brea had passed away just before being delivered. I held her in my arms, but I knew she wasn’t there. When Kathleen woke up, I had to tell her that Brea had died. It ripped my heart out. Nine months of hope, love, plans, prayers, and dreams died all at once. We cried all night long. In the morning I went home and told our other three children.
More tears. More pain.
Kathleen and I dealt with a flood of emotions over the next several months. It was hard to imagine how God could allow such a thing to happen. We had previously been devastated by the loss of three children due to miscarriage and, quite frankly, we thought God knew that we had been through enough.
Of course over time we realized that God had never promised to keep us from pain. We had an expectation on God that was unrealistic. We wanted this world to be what the next is supposed to be. In fact, heaven is described as being exactly what we were looking for—a place where God will wipe every tear from our eyes and where “there will be no more death, or mourning, or crying, or pain.”1 In our minds we had a picture of exactly how the world should be. However, what should be, and what was weren’t lining up. Our hope was simply misplaced. We hoped this world would be like heaven, and it’s not!
If we had truly lost forever a child we had never met, we would have been devastated beyond belief.
Instead of being devastated, we were greatly comforted in knowing that our precious Brea was not gone forever but was simply in heaven. In fact, we were never robbed of her, but still have an eternity to spend with her. You see, our only true hope is in eternity. Paul wrote in the Bible, “If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men.”2 Hope in this life is futile. Because of our hope in eternal life, we have been able to go on, knowing that the things that are painfully absent from this life are the same things that make heaven all the more meaningful.
God’s desire is that you, and that every single person, would spend eternity in heaven with Him.3 Because that’s what He wants, He’s left us clear directions on how to get there. In fact, you can confidently know that you have eternal life.4 The Bible says that you can never be good enough to get to heaven,5 but that Christ died on the cross to pay for all the wrongs you’ve ever done.6 That’s the great thing about eternal life. It’s dependent on what God did for you, not what you can do for Him. Jesus said that, “Everyone who believes in Him may have eternal life. For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.”7 By believing in Christ, and by trusting in what He did for you, you too can have eternal life and share in a hope that runs far deeper than any struggle you’ll ever face.
That’s the first parenting lesson. There’s nothing more important than knowing where you and your family will spend eternity. If your children grow to be successful beyond your wildest dreams, but you don’t get to spend eternity with them, you’ve missed the mark.
I also share this story with you so you can see that I’m a real person. Like you, I have real hurts and real dreams. My kids are part of me. When they suffer, I suffer. When they take their first steps, I’m as proud as if I took them myself.
I remember when our first son was born. Our close friends came to visit minutes after delivery. I stepped out of the hospital room to greet them and was overcome with emotion. My eyes welled up, tears streamed down my face, and my voice cracked as I choked out the words, “It’s a boy!” I loved my boy beyond description, and I still do. I love all my kids. Each one has a special place in my heart.
Like me, you have a heart for your kids. You love them like crazy and you want what is best for them. In each of them you see special characteristics, and you wonder just what kind of extraordinary lives God has planned for them. In some ways your kids might even be the embodiment of all your dreams.
Our kids can also be the embodiment of all our fears. We can almost feel that if they destroy their own lives they will simultaneously destroy our lives. A lot of dreams died the day that our little Brea died—a lot of dreams. Unfortunately, I’ve seen the parental dreams of many others shattered, not from death, but from rebelliousness. I’ve tried to comfort parents who have lost all control and most of their hope, and I’ve wondered if our loss was easier than theirs. The saddest thing is that their loss was avoidable.
That is why I’m passionate about parenting. Quite frankly, I’m brokenhearted from seeing well-meaning Christian parents grief-stricken by the choices of their children. God’s Word offers so much hope for parents, not just to avoid heartache, but to experience the joy of seeing their kids follow hard after God.
Please permit me to speak strongly at times. I desperately care about you, your kids, and the reputation of God’s character. I may fall into a fatherly tone at times. That’s my thing and it’s hard to tone it down when I feel so strongly about it!
I’d like to take the rest of the chapter to talk about the mindset of a successful parent. I’ve already shared some of my heart with you, and having a heart for your children is a critical element of being a good parent. It is also important to have a vision for the incredible calling that God has on your life. There are key aspects of parenting that we’ll get to later like love, discipline, and training. However, how you mentally engage with parenting, its value, and its urgency, will greatly affect every element of your parenting.
The State of the Family
Imagine a sixteen-year-old boy who loves God and is considerate and respectful to you. He is faithful in his schoolwork, diligent at work, and involved at church. He is likeable, yet he cares more about what God thinks of him than about what his peers think. He has a deep and meaningful relationship with God, and his main goal in life is to live for Him and to spread His message. You could say he is a dream child. I believe that is a description of a man of God, and is the type of young man God would want us to raise.
I’m not concerned about exactly how that looks in each of my kids’ lives. I understand that some will be more outgoing and some more reserved. They will all have varying degrees of success in the world. I imagine that some will even be more excited about God than others. Nevertheless, that is the basic picture in my mind of what I hope my kids grow into. That is what I will refer to as “winning” with my kids. Basically, God wants them to be like Jesus, and so do I. I don’t expect them to be perfect by any means, but I do expect the influence of Christ to be undeniably obvious in their lives.
On the other hand, if my kids won’t talk to me, don’t have a vision for their lives, and have no interest in God, then I would say that I have lost that child—at least for a time. In the Bible, Eli, Samuel, David, and the father of the prodigal son are all examples of parents who lost their children.
In a future chapter we’ll look at why we can have hope, even confidence, that we can win with our kids. But first let’s evaluate the current state of parenting. I wish I could put a positive spin on it all, but I must be honest. I’m gravely concerned with the state of Christian families. I see that more are losing than winning, and I’m terrified that most parents aren’t even aware of how dangerously far we’ve drifted from God’s ideal. Consider the following letter:
Dear Friends in Christ,
I am not a member of your church, I belong to Peak Lutheran8 in Estes Park, and I am appealing to churches in the state as a heartsick mother. I have two grown children. My daughter is an alcoholic and my son is a drug addict. I have done everything in my power to help them both. The only thing I can do is turn it over to God and pray. I feel that the more people that are praying for them the better. I feel like I am doing something constructive and it helps me feel better. My request is to ask for people to pray for them for three months. The prayer is this, “Dear God please surround Ben and Lisa with Your love, fill them with Your Holy Spirit. Keep them safe and sober.”
Please do whatever you can with this request. God Bless your church, your staff and all who worship and praise in your holy house.
I received this e-mail from a woman whom, as far as I know, I had never met and with whom I had no connection. Maybe she knew someone at our church, or perhaps she had found us on our website. I wondered if she, in complete desperation, was e-mailing every church in Colorado, faithfully collecting hundreds and eventually thousands of addresses, and crying over her keyboard as she faithfully worked on her rescue mission.
What was your initial response to her letter? I must confess that mine was judgmental. I had thoughts like, “It’s a little bit late now,” and “You should have thought about these things ten or twenty years ago.” Don’t get me wrong; I deeply admired her desire to do everything within her power to help her kids, but I thought she must have really missed it in the earlier years. (Obviously it is wrong to jump to judgmental conclusions. I’m not saying I was right. I’m just saying those thoughts jumped to my mind, likely because I’ve seen many parents who were uninvolved in their families until their family was in crisis mode.)
Perhaps she had been a poor parent. I don’t know. Many parents aim for nothing and hit it. As sad as that is, that is not what troubles me the most about people’s parenting. What really bothers me is that she may have been a relatively good parent. She may have taken her kids to Sunday school and church every week. She may have gone with them on mission trips and insisted that they were involved in youth group. She may have even been the best parent in her church. That is what scares me.
If we think we can simply parent at a respectable level and everything will turn out okay, then we need a wake-up call. I’ve seen too many “good” parents losing their kids to think that most Christians’ current parenting methods are anywhere near the level at which they need to be. Someone recently asked me why some other speakers and I were using scare tactics, throwing around frightening statistics, and acting as if everyone was losing with their kids. The answer is pretty simple. It’s because most people are losing with their kids, and we need a wake-up call.
I’m just calling it as I see it. I see too many teens who are apathetic toward God and disinterested in following His ways. I see too many cutters, drinkers, and drug users. There are too many depressed and suicidal teens and too many rebels. And these kids are coming out of seemingly healthy churches.
Maybe as a pastor I just hear too much about people’s dirty laundry, but I’ve tried to be objective. Do you see something different? Are the majority of the teens in your church exemplary? Is your youth group turning the world upside-down? Are so many godly kids being raised up from within your church that your church has more leaders than it knows what to do with? Personally, I am not seeing marks of good parenting being left on our churches in great measure. In fact, I’m seeing the opposite. I’m not typically a reactionary person, but frankly, what I see frightens me, and there are statistics available that back those concerns.9
Please bear in mind that I am not writing to scare you. I’m writing because I believe that God has something radically better for us. However, to experience something different in parenting, it is imperative that we accurately assess the current state of the family. How we think about the state of parenting will profoundly impact both the sense of urgency and the intensity with which we parent. To experience better families we must parent better. For us to parent better requires that we see that there is a need to parent better. That is why it is critical that we see that the current state of the family is one of disarray.
Embracing Extreme Parenting
You may just want a parenting tune-up or a few tips on how to make things a little better, but most families need far more than that. Permit me to exhort you: the parents that we see winning with their kids are of the no-holds-barred variety. In your own family you may want to consider an overhaul instead of a tune-up. Most families need to make immediate and significant changes. It is in unwavering adherence to God’s ways that hope for the future of our families is found.
I thought about calling this book “Extreme Parenting,” because to parent the way we suggest will certainly seem extreme to many. It takes extreme levels of determination, faith, commitment, and sacrifice. The reason I thought that title would send the wrong message is that “extreme” implies out of balance, or over the top. However, I don’t believe we are doing anything beyond what God asks of us. While it may seem extreme by today’s standards, it should be common practice among Christians—not “Extreme Parenting” but “Run of the Mill Parenting.” (And it goes without saying that no one wants a book called “Run of the Mill Parenting.”)
Nevertheless, parenting as you should takes massive amounts of sacrifice. Many good mothers have given up their body shape, careers, sleep, and to some degree their sanity for the sake of their families. Likewise, many fathers have sacrificed promotions, wealth, and have even moved for the good of their children. (Okay, I admit it—most moms take the brunt of it. Thanks moms!)
Having kids comes at a cost, doesn’t it? Isn’t that why we think long and hard about whether or not we want more kids? We don’t know if we want to be tied down for a few more years. We question if we want to work that hard, and we wonder if we can handle the challenge and the pressure. The fear of being the next family whose mother loses her mind or whose father ends it all because of financial pressures…well, we try not to even think about that.
Deuteronomy 7:13 He will love you and bless you and increase your numbers. He will bless the fruit of your womb, the crops of your land — your grain, new wine and oil — the calves of your herds and the lambs of your flocks in the land that He swore to your forefathers to give you.
It’s interesting to note that God’s blessings often come with increased pressure and work. In the above passage, God blesses by increasing the number of children, crops, and livestock. That’s great, but that’s more work, isn’t it? It’s more diapers, more runny noses, more weeds, more cultivating, more manure, and more animals breaking out of their pens. If you look at it from one angle it sounds great; if you look at it from another angle it can be depressing.
There is a church we occasionally drive by on Sunday mornings that is as big as a high school. They even have traffic control officers managing the street in front of their building. Although I would love for our church to grow larger, when I drive by I silently pray, “Dear God, please don’t ever let us get that big.” I fear that degree of pressure and management, and I doubt my ability to endure it all.
Yet God sees increase as blessing.
Children are not an accident, a mistake, or a punishment. Biblically speaking, marriage is not just simply two people committing to each other. It is God joining two people together. In the same way, your children are not just byproducts of marriage; they are God’s unique blessings to your family.
Whether you have one kid or ten kids, you need to line your thinking up with God’s. The work that you do as a parent is work with which God has blessed you and which He has entrusted to you. It is important and meaningful work to Him. No matter what it seems like, or how hard it gets, God is pleased with your role as a parent. He sees it as a blessing—a good thing. If you’re going to go the distance you’ll need to come in line with how God sees your role and your work.
Being faithful with the blessings God has given you is not extreme parenting. That puts the focus on your work and sacrifice. It is extreme blessing. The focus needs to be on His provision. Your kids have been given to you by God, and He will provide the strength you need to manage the amount of blessing He gives you.
If you can shift your thinking on this it will allow you to embrace your role as a parent. If you focus on all the work and sacrifice, your natural inclination will be to shrink back from your responsibilities. Parenting is God’s crucially important mission that He has delegated to you because He wants to bless you and accomplish His purposes through your family. If you can view it as such you will be able to embrace parenting along with whatever challenges come with it.
Impact Parenting
Psalms 127:3-5 Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from Him. Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior's hands. How happy is the man whose quiver is full of them! He will not be put to shame when he confronts his accusers at the city gates. (NLT)
Of what significance are a warrior’s arrows to him? They are his means of achieving victory. By shooting them with skill the enemy can be overcome, and the warrior’s own life is extended. Solomon authored this particular Psalm, and in his day a victory for Israel would also be a victory for God. Unsuccessful warfare could bring shame to the name of God. There is a great deal riding on the successful deployment of one’s arrows.
Our children are similar in several respects. Through them our life mission is continued. Our accomplishments and impact are multiplied through the children we successfully deploy. In a sense, our lives are extended through them, and they will continue to impact the world long after we are gone. If our children are successfully sent into the world, they will be great instruments for God. A genuine concern and love for people will mark their lives. They will share their faith with others and bring them to a saving faith in Christ. They will be church planters, community leaders, stellar employees, and model citizens. The lives of these children will bring glory to God. In essence, this is the magnificent part of parenting!
On the other hand, if our children are not successfully deployed into the world they may bring shame to God. They might demonstrate obvious outward signs of brokenness like drug use, drunkenness, truancy, or promiscuity, or they may struggle with more subtle issues like pride, greed, or complacency.
Many things affect the accuracy of an arrow. It could get intercepted in mid flight by another arrow. The wind could change its flight, or perhaps even changes in temperature or humidity could affect it slightly. However, the successful flight of the arrow primarily rests on two things—the quality of the arrow and the skill of the archer. As a parent, you have a great amount of influence on both of these areas—their character and your skill. The impact of your life and influence in this world will be significantly affected by your ability to mold and shape your kids and to successfully release them into the world.
Wouldn’t it be heartening if the kids coming out of our churches were all life-changers? Imagine the impact if we were like an army of archers shooting our arrows into the world, spreading the gospel, showing love to the world, and doing acts of service. Just think of the potential impact. To be honest, sometimes I feel that instead of shooting our arrows skillfully like a trained army, we’re more like blind men standing on a grease covered merry-go-round and shooting finless arrows. Something has got to change!
One thing that has got to change is that we must think strategically. We must understand that there is an impact from our parenting that is potentially world-changing. Our kids have limitless potential to be used by God in this world, and we would do well to think in these terms and equip our children accordingly.
A Call to Heroism
While a warrior must be brave at all times, there is a point at which a warrior must be reminded of the reasons for which he fights. He is already in the war, perhaps even in the battle, but then, in a moment of great need, the unthinkable is asked of him. It may be to charge a hill or capture a beach, but the outcome is almost certain. The mission will only be accomplished with great loss of life. His commanding officer reminds his men just what is at stake and just why each of them should risk their lives. And then with renewed bravery the warrior musters all his courage and puts it all on the line.
Nehemiah and Gideon each gave such calls of heroism to their men.
Nehemiah 4:14 After I looked things over, I stood up and said to the nobles, the officials and the rest of the people, “Don’t be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes.”
Judges 7:18 “When I and all who are with me blow our trumpets, then from all around the camp blow yours and shout, ‘For the Lord and for Gideon.’”
It’s a similar call that I challenge you with now. Although you have already sacrificed as a parent, are you willing to take it to the next level? Are you willing to risk it all?
Nehemiah told his men to fight for their sons and daughters. In parenting, are we not also fighting for our children? I’ve received some very heartbreaking calls from parents—calls dealing with dropping grades, rebellion, police involvement, violence, and spiritual apathy. I hope our families are doing better than that, but men and women, I take this seriously. I am scared for our youth, and I am terrified by the complacency of parents who are taking a half-hearted, hands-off approach to parenting.
We need to think through what we are doing and what we need to do differently. We need to be serious-minded about this. We need to be wholehearted. There is much at stake!
Gideon told his men to fight for the Lord. Don’t we also fight for the honor of our God? God’s reputation is most certainly at stake within our families. If you’ve read this far, in all likelihood, you see yourself as part of a Christian family. What are your children going to tell the lost world about God? What are the fruits of your parenting going to tell the lost world about following God’s principles? Do God’s ways really work? Can they really be trusted? The lost world forms their answers to those questions by watching us, our children, and the results of our lives.
Like it or not, we are sending a message into the world. That may be more pressure than we care to shoulder, but, one way or the other, our lives communicate something about the realities of our beliefs. God wants us to send a message that brings His name honor.
The danger I’m addressing is that we may be like the soldier who has enlisted in the war, but is not mentally prepared for the battle. The state of our families and churches demands a level of heightened awareness of what we’re up against.
It is amazing how parents rise to the challenge when their teenager is in full-fledged rebellion. They will do anything to save their child. Having the child change schools is considered. Moving or changing jobs becomes a viable option. Discipline is enforced at an intense level. Questionable friendships are discouraged. Clothing is monitored. Movies are censored. The parents will go to any extreme. Unfortunately, that is a difficult battle to win in the teen years, no matter how sincere the efforts.
Parent, are you willing to fight that battle now for the sake of your child and the honor of God? I know you would do it if the battle were more clearly upon you, but will you fight it now while your child is younger and so much more responsive? Year by year the battle closes upon you. Respond heroically now. Think in terms of a great task; everything is on the line, and there is no time to lose.
Premeditated Parenting
Parenting is a peculiar thing. Unlike many of life’s other decisions, parenting is often entered into without a lot of forethought. When we think about what career we want, we give it much consideration. We reflect upon how a particular career will fit with our gifts and talents, we consider what kind of income we will need, and we weigh what type of school or training we will have to go through. When we get married, we often plan for months and go to marriage counseling and try to prepare ourselves for the difficult transition.
There may not be a single event in your life that affects you more than having kids. For most of us, it requires a total change in our level of self-sacrifice. It puts demands on our patience, sleep, marriage, and finances. When you become a mom or dad your child is completely and totally dependent on you. Perhaps for the first time in your life you become keenly aware of how your choices impact another individual. You can’t just run off into the mountains and escape from the pressures of life anymore. That option comes at too high a cost. You’re stuck here for at least eighteen years.
That’s pretty serious! How is it that you need a license to prune trees, cut hair, or unclog toilets, but anyone can be a parent? Shouldn’t you have to take six weeks of pre-parenting classes like you do with marriage, or maybe a couple of community college courses? I’m not saying we should institutionalize parenting; I’m just saying that it seems like we don’t give it much forethought.
For many of us, parenting was more of a byproduct of a relationship than it was something we consciously thought through. Perhaps we knew we wanted children, but we really had no idea of the demands it would have on our lives.
Perhaps what got us to this point is irrelevant. We are parents now! God has given us the charge of raising His little ones, and we need to carry out that charge faithfully. We need to take careful inventory of our lives. Where are we? Where do we want to be? How do we get there?
I call this premeditated parenting. I’m not talking about thinking through whether or not to have children. I’m talking about parenting. Pregnancy might be something that just happens to us, but parenting requires thoughtful and strategic planning. Having children is one thing, but raising them is quite another.
I often worry that people raise children much like they do pets—just keep them fed and watered and don’t let them irritate the neighbors too much. Keep their messes to a minimum, and train them enough to keep them somewhat enjoyable. A pat on the head here and there mixed in with a good scolding now and then should do the trick. That about sums it up for many parents.
That may create an eighteen-year-old, but that is unlikely to produce a man or woman of God, a spiritual champion, a good citizen, a leader, or even a good follower. Raising a child to physical maturity is fairly straightforward (if not nerve-wracking), but raising an eighteen-year-old world-changer is quite another matter. Many have given up on dreaming about raising a world-changer, but has God changed His plan? No, God still has great plans for each of our children.
Let’s take this to a practical level. I’d like to ask you to do an exercise. Take out a piece of paper and start brainstorming some ideas of what characteristics you want your child to have when she turns sixteen. I know you’re not worried about that yet, but don’t you think it would be wise to develop that picture in your mind now so that you know what you are working toward? You could sit down and do it as an exercise with your spouse, or you could just stick a sheet of paper in this book or in your Bible, and jot down thoughts as they come to mind.
Throughout this chapter I’ve been trying to stress critical aspects of how we think about parenting. As parents, it is crucial that we have a mindset of seriousness and urgency. We must embrace our calling and grasp the significance of the task at hand. However, none of that really matters if it has not moved us enough to get up and get a pencil. (Remember, I warned you about that fatherly tone!)
You want to win and you desire great things for your child. All I’m asking is that you take a little effort now to start defining what that looks like to you. I mentioned earlier that some people aim at nothing and hit it. Let’s aim for a bull’s-eye. Let’s think through an ideal picture of what we are aiming at. Then let’s throw everything we’ve got at hitting it. If we end up being a little off target, then so be it. But we are sure to miss if we haven’t even defined the target, and that is what I am asking you to do now.
With God’s help we can rise to the challenge and take seriously the charge with which we’ve been entrusted.
1 Corinthians 4:2 Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful.
Precarious Parenting Patterns
In our society there are mindsets and norms that people embrace that undermine successful parenting. If we desire a different outcome than our society, then we must be careful to not fall into the same thinking patterns that our society holds. Our culture holds a set of parenting values that is off base. However, these values are held by so many people that they seem normal. But normal is not what we’re shooting for, is it? We don’t want average kids; we want godly kids.
Here are a few well-intentioned goals that many parents seem to default to with their children. These goals are not all bad, but if over-emphasized they can detract greatly from the goal of developing followers of Christ.
1) A fun childhood.
Life is hard, isn’t it? We face the pressures of life every day. We are under daily pressure to work and to pay the bills. The effects of sin tear apart our relationships and those around us. We read about horrors throughout the world. It seems like once you hit high school, if not sooner, you enter into a very different and harsh world.
Because of these realities, we are tempted to coddle our children and protect them from the ugliness of life. We may subconsciously think that every person deserves a happy childhood. As a result, we keep them from hard work and challenging situations. While we do need to protect the innocence of children and shield them from sin, we need to be careful not to pamper them by shielding them from all hardships in life.
A desire to coddle and protect can easily pull at the heart of parents, but it is backwards. Sure kids can have fun; I’m not against that. I want my kids to have a good life, but it is more important to equip children for the realities of life than it is to shelter them. Trying to make childhood blissful is like having Army basic training that focuses on the aspects of male bonding instead of equipping the soldiers for the battles they may face. Don’t simply help your children have fun. Equip them for real life. They need to learn to work hard, to deal with difficult situations, and to persevere through hard times.
Even Jesus said that life would be difficult, and this is especially true of the life of a Christian.
John 16:33 “...In this world you will have trouble...”
In light of the reality of living in a trouble-filled world, childhood should be enjoyable, but not a fantasy land. Use their childhood to equip your kids for the real world by teaching them to do hard jobs and to stick it out in tough situations. If you don’t, you’ll miss the opportunity to train them for the difficulties of life.
I’ve got a little secret to let you in on. Kids are going to have fun whether you make it a priority or not. They are kids!
2) Self discovery.
When children are born, they are self-centered beings who want the world to revolve around them, and they pout and cry when it doesn’t. If your goal is simply to help them discover who they are, they will become self-centered adults who fuss and cry when the world doesn’t revolve around them. Your goal is to change who they are.
Genesis 8:21 [After the flood, the Lord said,] “Never again will I curse the ground because of man, even though every inclination of his heart is evil from childhood.”
A child’s natural state is not good. Your child’s heart needs to be trained and shaped into something that is good. If we’re talking about gifting or ability, then great! Help your child discover his gifts. However, if we’re talking about heart and character, then by all means we must step in as parents and help that child not grow into a self-centered and vile adult.
If a child is left to himself, to turn into whatever he may become, do you know what happens? You end up with a child who is a shame to you and your God.
Proverbs 29:15b A child left to himself disgraces his mother.
You can foster natural abilities and gifts, but it is more important to shape your child’s character. Don’t help them be who they are! Help them change who they are.
3) Education.
I want my kids to be smart, to do well in school, and to test well—and so far they are doing great. I value education and we devote much of our effort as parents to education, but we don’t see it as our chief goal in parenting.
Are the most well educated people in the world the best citizens? Are the churches flooded with the smartest people? Are prisons devoid of intelligent people? Undoubtedly, education brings enormous advantages into a person’s life, but we would be dead wrong to think that it is some sort of cure-all.
Have you ever had a rude doctor before? Smart people are definitely the ones you want when you’re under the knife, but they’re not always straight A people when it comes to life skills. Kathleen had a doctor once who had a hard time keeping staff because she lacked the basic life skill of being able to get along with others. Education is important, but it’s not everything. Lots of people in prison can read. Education helps with some things and is undoubtedly a good thing, but we’re shooting for wisdom, not education.
Proverbs 4:5-7 Get wisdom, get understanding; do not forget my words or swerve from them. Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you. Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding.
Wisdom involves the knowledge of right and wrong, not just true and false. Proverbs says that wisdom involves the fear of the Lord, humility, discernment, and understanding. Kids do need book smarts, but more importantly, they need life smarts.
4) Independence
Independence is a nice idea. If they end up being castaways, that will come in really handy. But for the other 99.99% of people, that’s not useful, because we interact with people all the time! They will be naturally independent. Teach them how to be interdependent.
We typically want independence because we do not want to yield to the authority of others. We want to be the masters of our own lives. It’s a spirit of rebelliousness, and it’s the same spirit that makes your child or teen defy you. This doesn’t need to be taught, it comes quite naturally.
Isaiah 53:6a We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way.
This rebellion, or independent streak that we display, ruins everything in our lives. It ruins friendships, marriages, careers, and ultimately it cost Christ His life to pay for the sin that our independence brought into the world.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!
We need other people in our lives, and they need us. We do want our kids to be able to think for themselves and provide for themselves. However, we also want our children to cheerfully yield to the authorities that God has put into their lives, to humbly accept the input of others, and to live lives of interdependence with other people.
5) Social acceptance
Like me, most parents have dreams of their kids excelling and being accepted by their peers.
We picked the name “Blaise” for our son chiefly because of the quote from Blaise Pascal that says, “There is a God-shaped vacuum in every heart.” But “Blaise” (which we pronounce as “Blaze”) also has a certain ring to it, doesn’t it? It’s a good football name. I have a theory that much of football revolves around names. You can win a Superbowl with a quarterback named “Elway” or “Montana” because those are football names. With a quarterback named “Bubby Brister” your chances are greatly reduced. Now if you change his name to “Bubba Brister” and make him a linebacker, then your odds go way up. Anyway, you can hear “Blaise” rolling off the tongue of the Monday Night Football announcer, “And Blaise has the ball…he avoids one tackler…and another… he has broken free and is ‘blazing’ his way to a third touchdown.”
What parent doesn’t dream of their child excelling in athletics, academics, or some other arena? But it goes beyond that. We want our kids to be cool, to fit in, and most importantly, to not be made fun of. Again, I suppose those are somewhat natural desires, but at what cost will those desires be met?
If you want your child to fit in, it means they have to be like their peers. They have to dress like their friends, talk like their friends, and act like their friends. They can not be too smart or too dumb. It’s okay if they are religious, but not too religious. They can hold standards, but must not hold on to them any longer than most kids.
I was not a particularly stellar teenager by any means, but one thing I was good at was working hard. I had a simple philosophy that if I was being paid to work, I should work. If I was on the clock and wasn’t working, I was stealing by getting paid for doing nothing. And I also knew that I was simultaneously working for my employer and for God;10 and God saw me even when my boss didn’t. You would not believe the amount of grief I got for this in my early jobs. “Slow down, you’re making us look bad,” the choruses of the other employees would come. You wouldn’t think working hard would be a particularly controversial stance, but it was. It made me stand out, and it made the other workers upset with me. It made it so that I did not fit in.
Now take this simple stance and add to it some other simple stances on drinking, premarital sex, modesty, honesty, and integrity, and what do you have? You have a kid that is not going to fit in.
It is true that we do not want our kids to be geeks. Who would? But it is more important to us that they be godly rather than fit in. Although I’m convinced that it doesn’t have to be one or the other, I’d take a geeky but godly kid any day over a cool one that is immersed in this society.
As the Bible teaches, we do want to become “all things to all men” to present Christ’s message in such a way that we do not detract from it (1 Corinthians 9:22). However, it is also true that we are called to live as “aliens and strangers” in this world (1 Peter 2:11) and to “come out from them and be separate” (2 Corinthians 6:17).
How do we handle this balance? The obvious illustration of this balance is found in the life of Jesus. He was popular in that people were drawn to Him, His teachings, and His relationship to God. Yet Jesus never wavered on His standards.