WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?
A Girl’s Book of Lessons Learned,
Inspiration and Advice
DAREE ALLEN
KHARACTER DISTINCTION BOOKS
ATLANTA, GEORGIA
Published by Kharacter Distinction Books at Smashwords
Kharacter Distinction Books
4355 Cobb Parkway
Suite J185
Atlanta, GA 30339
Printed in the United States of America
Copyright © 2012 by Daree Allen
http://www.DareeAllen.com
Design and Composition: LeftRight Collaborative
Cover design © 2011, http://www.leftrightcollaborative.com
Design: Jennifer Rogers Tyson
Author Photo Credit: Innovation Photography
http://www.InnovationPics.com
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What’s Wrong With Me? is a work of nonfiction, but the author has changed the names of the people depicted in the stories herein.
This book contains information gathered from many sources and personal experiences. It is published and sold with the understanding that neither the author nor the publisher is rendering any legal, accounting, or psychological advice. The author and the publisher disclaim any personal liability for the advice and information presented herein. Although the author and the publisher have prepared this manuscript with diligence, careful to ensure the accuracy of the information presented, they assume no responsibility for errors, inaccuracies, omissions, or inconsistencies herein.
This book is also available in print (ISBN 978-0-9837455-0-1).
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PRAISE FOR WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?
“What’s Wrong with Me takes the reader on a poignant journey of self-discovery by identifying the complex mix of psychological, environmental, spiritual, and socio-cultural influences that can help young women move towards positive and progressive lives that are guided by catalysts of empowerment, resilience and healing.”
DR. KISHA B. HOLDEN, PhD
Associate Professor of Clinical Psychiatry, Morehouse School of Medicine
“I wish this book was available for me and my friends when we were teenagers. It is that powerful. It gives helpful, spiritual guidance to young girls, touching on every aspect of their lives… from dating to dieting to deliverance… it’s all here. Whether she’s struggling with relationships, single motherhood inadequacies, money woes or her own self-worth, What’s Wrong With Me will help the young teen sort through her thoughts and place her on the path to self-assuredness.”
MONTRIE RUCKER ADAMS
APR, Chief Visibility Officer, Visibility Marketing Inc.
“Dynamic author Daree Allen dares to go there with teens in her inspiring piece "What's Wrong With Me?" She does parents and educators a favor by opening a dialogue on the universal challenges that young girls will often secretly face that can ultimately build or destroy dreams.
Pick up a copy of this book and arm a young lady with the key that unlocks a successful life.”
RAE PEARSON BENN
Author of Still Standing, Infinity Publishing, 2005
DEDICATION
I dedicate this book to my daughter Kaia. May she know her value, her beauty, and her strength early—and not learn it the hard way.
I also dedicate this book to my maternal great-grandmother, Alzadie Turner, whom I never knew. She died before I was born, but I’ve heard so many wonderful things about her loving nature.
This book is for all the teen girls out there who are trying to find their own voice. Also, it’s for those without healthy, positive role models, for those who want better for themselves, those who know God put them here for a great purpose, and for those who are still searching for their purpose.
For the girls who don’t like themselves, wish they were smarter, prettier, had a family with more money, or a parent like someone else’s. I’ve been that girl.
For the girls who can’t wait to get out of their parents’ house so they can do whatever they want, whenever they want. I’ve been that girl, too.
For those who sometimes feel like they want to give up, but there’s something inside that keeps them pushing forward to something better. I’m still that girl (sometimes).
This book is for all of you.
“All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” (1 Corinthians 1:3-4 NIV)
CONTENTS
PART 1: MY PERSONAL LIFE—ME, MYSELF & I
1 - WHAT’S WRONG WITH WHO I AM?
2 - WHAT’S WRONG WITH MY LOOKS?
3 - WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE WAY I FEEL?
4 - WHAT’S WRONG WITH MY EATING HABITS?
PART TWO: YOUR RELATIONSHIPS—CAN YOU RELATE?
5 - WHAT’S WRONG WITH MY FAMILY?
6 - WHAT’S WRONG WITH MY FRIENDS?
PART THREE: CHECKING IN: WHAT’S YOUR STATUS?
9 - WHAT’S WRONG WITH BEING SINGLE?
10 - WHAT’S WRONG WITH GETTING MARRIED?
11 - WHAT’S WRONG WITH BEING A SINGLE MOM?
13 - WHAT’S WRONG WITH MY MONEY?
14 - WHAT’S WRONG WITH CHURCH?
15 - WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? NOTHING!!
INTRODUCTION
LESSONS LEARNED
Our beliefs are manifested in our actions. Everything we do is rooted in our thinking. If you think about something long enough—good or bad—you’ll act on it.
What do you think about yourself? Your looks? Your potential? Your family and friends? Are you hopeful or hopeless? Jaded or optimistic? Feel like giving up, but something deep inside tells you you’re worth more than all that? It may come as no surprise, then, to hear how God instilled a truth and a purpose in every one of us. We can make better decisions in our lives if we just think about that purpose differently.
In fact, if positive thinking leads to positive acting, the result can be “glorious living,” according to Scripture:
“It’s in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone.” (Ephesians 1:11-12 The Message)
When I look back, I wish I had a different mindset, because I would not only have acted differently, but would have made better decisions.
I always loved music and my family, and wanted to be good-looking and accepted by my peers. I wanted to be asked out on dates, and to be called by girls who wanted to do more than just chat—but also to be my friend. I didn’t have a boyfriend until I was 17 and out of high school. This was the same person I lost my virginity to; the experience taught me a lot of hard lessons that some of my friends learned much earlier—some of which I will share with you throughout this book.
I never had a big sister, a “Big Mama”-like figure or “auntie,” or a mentor to teach me how to become a young lady and give me advice. I just looked to my peers, who I now realize were just trying to make it, like I was. That mentor figure has always been missing in my life. If this situation sounds familiar, I’d like to be a positive mentor or role model for you.
WHAT YOU’LL FIND INSIDE…
I wrote this book because I want you—as teens and young women—to avoid potential pitfalls as you embark on the adventure part of growing up and “coming of age.” I’ve always known I was destined to be successful in life, but I encountered many distractions on my journey that could have altered this course. No matter where you are today, it’s not good enough to simply get through your situation—you must overcome it and draw strength from lessons learned along the way.
There are many empowering messages I want you to get from this book. Some situations aren’t discussed in this book because I haven’t experienced them, such as abortion, rape or molestation, death of a close friend, or blended families. Topics I will cover about in this book include:
Not fitting in with others
Friendships
Premarital sex and teen pregnancy
Self-esteem and acceptance
Domestic violence
How God sees us
What God expects from us
Each chapter concludes with a section entitled “Consider This,” which has some thoughts and points for you to reflect on and remember. Think of it as a quick reference to the overarching messages in the chapter. It is followed by a list of books related to the chapter’s topic, “Further Reading.” Use these resources for additional insight and depth into the information we’ll cover together in this book.
“WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?”
You may have asked yourself this question many times, in many situations. Throughout this book, my aim is to convince you that although we all have moments of confusion, frustration and self-doubt, nothing is wrong with you.
Just in case you aren’t able to get through this whole book quickly, here are six truths you should know up front. These are things I wish I had known, believed, and acted on when I was a girl.
1.You are loved. If by no one else but God, that’s more than enough. You should love yourself unconditionally before you love others. You don’t need acceptance, admiration, adoration, or affection from a man to define you or give you self-worth. God has given you everything you need (gifts, talents, resources, friends, mentors) to find your way!
2.You’re beautiful just the way you are. We all have imperfections, but God doesn’t make mistakes.
3.When you get older and look back, you’ll see it “wasn’t all that.” When I was a teen, many of the people I used to look up to or thought were more likable, prettier, or more popular than I was did not maintain those positions as adults. Back in the day, I cared about who was going with whom, who was friends with whom, and—later—who was having sex with whom. Trust me, no matter how important it seems to you now, it’s not going to matter for long.
4.Be independent. You don’t have to rely on a guy or anyone else for money, or to determine your self-worth, security, or value. You can secure your own bank account, car, and home, and experience what it’s like to live on your own before settling down, getting married, and raising a family (I know it doesn’t always happen in this order, but work with me).
5.Never settle. You can work for—and wait for—the best life has to offer. Set goals—you’ll achieve them if you stick with it. In the meantime, don’t be afraid to enjoy your singleness. Be content with where you are in life, whether it’s your relationship status, career, or anything else you’re working on. You never know how long (or short) each season of your life will last.
6.Make a conscious decision to do what’s right, instead of what’s easy. Don’t give up and in due time you will reap the harvest of what you’ve sown.
Even now, I still sometimes have to remind myself of these truths. I haven’t totally mastered them all. I have to encourage myself to keep moving forward, praying, and believing in God and myself. I want the best for me and for you, and so does He.
PART 1: MY PERSONAL LIFE—ME, MYSELF & I
1 WHAT’S WRONG WITH WHO I AM?
“The value of identity, of course, is that so often with it comes purpose.”
—Richard Grant
Have you ever heard someone say they’re “trying to find themselves”? An identity crisis can occur at any age and at various times throughout one’s life. The age doesn’t matter; it’s what you do with this experience and how you let it shape you that matters.
In this chapter, you will get to know me a little bit, and you may see some similarities to yourself or ideas you have about yourself.
MATCH GAME
As I was growing up, various things made me stand out. My appearance, for one.
My sister and I were an early version of the R&B super group, Destiny’s Child—at least in terms of our clothes. The group members always wore matching outfits, made by Beyoncé’s mother, Tina Knowles. My mom did the same thing with my sister and I in the ’80s, even though we weren’t a singing group (and in my mom’s case, she was probably channeling The Supremes). But my mom made most of the clothes my sister and I wore when we were little, and on Sundays, my sister and I would go to church in matching outfits. They weren’t exactly the same, but as Tina did, my mom used similar matching pieces, and she made them age-appropriate. My sister is five years younger than I, so her dresses were very frilly and cute. I’ve never been big on wearing dresses, or dressing up, period, but I was at the mercy of my mother when it came to my hair and wardrobe. If she liked it, that’s was what I was stuck with.
I remember being teased about my clothes during elementary school. Most of the time, the other kids would be in awe that my mother sewed my clothes instead of buying my entire wardrobe at Sears or some other department store. One day a girl asked me if my mother made my bra and panties, too, and the other kids laughed. (In case you’re wondering, she didn’t.)
THE GEEK SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH
I was a nerd—at least to some extent. Sometimes the other kids made fun of me because I did my homework every day, and I enunciated my words (some people call this “talking proper”). Wearing not-so-stylish glasses didn’t help, either. I was a bookworm, too. I read hundreds (yes, literally hundreds) of books as a girl. I loved going to the school library every few days for new books. Unfortunately, as I became a teenager, I hated being seen as smart, because to me, smart did not equal popular. Sometimes I would “dumb down” to fit in with some of the popular kids I admired, acting like I knew less than I did, and skipping classes. I was known as the smart girl who did her homework, knew the answers in class, and wore glasses, so I was not the girl who got asked out by boys or invited to popular girls’ homes to hang out. I was ashamed of being smart because it interfered with my perceptions of my attractiveness. Little did I know that all these differences would set me up and prepare me to be a better-adjusted, responsible person. You shouldn’t have to change who you are to be liked by others. But back then, it was all about social conformity and “fitting in.”
I was ashamed of being smart because it interfered with my perceptions of my attractiveness.
“WHERE YOU FROM?”
I grew up in upstate New York, but I left in my early 20’s. Ever since then, when people hear the way I talk, they ask where I’m from. I usually don’t answer with “Utica, New York,” because I don’t feel like trying to explain where it is and answer more questions. If I just say “New York,” they automatically think I mean New York City, but they’ll still ask, “What part?,” so I try to keep it short and sweet by answering, “I’m from upstate New York.” This answer can also be a problem, since ‘upstate’ is a relative term. Some people consider White Plains or Yonkers to be upstate—it depends on where you live. I always hope that adding the word “upstate” will let people know that I’m not claiming any of the New York City boroughs as my home, but some people are just curious, and that answer doesn’t always satisfy them, so the next probing question is …
“What part?”
“Utica.”
Silence.
“It’s about 45 minutes from Syracuse.”
“Oh, OK” they say, and you can see they have a real point of reference.
Everyone sees something different when they look at you. We all make our own judgments, even if only subconsciously. It’s human nature. And some people want to see if they can size you up or figure you out right off the bat, so they can put you in a category or stereotype you based on how they perceive you. Comments like, “You know how you New Yorkers are,” “Y’all don’t know how to drive,” or something derogatory about “women from New York” are all par for the course. I do my best to resist the urge to tell them off because then they’ll continue to think New Yorkers are mean. Oh, yeah, and then there’s my favorite: “You don’t have a New York accent, and I can tell you’re not from here, either.” I feel like saying, ‘OK, so what? I don’t have to prove anything to you,’ but I don’t.
Along with trying to figure out my “accent” come the comments about my diction and enunciation when I speak, such as “You speak so proper,” or “You sound like a White girl.” Since when are all Whites intelligent and able to speak English better than Blacks? Black people need to know how to use the English language, too, right?
I realize I should ignore ignorant comments like these instead of getting offended or reacting to them, but even in my 30s, I still encounter variations of these types of comments from young and old alike because of their pervasive (but incorrect) perceptions of how I should sound when I talk. Is it really that big a deal? I can brush it off now, but it used to get to me.
If my identity isn’t tested because of my voice or where I’m from, then it’s my looks. (More on that in the next chapter.)
WHO YOU ARE
One day in my freshman year of college, I was talking to my roommate, and I made this statement: “I know who I am, and that’s more important than what I am.” It’s a good affirmation. You have to get to know who you are, be assertive, secure in it, and unashamed of it.
If you don’t know who you are, it’s easy to get sucked into other people’s ideas of who you should be, and you can easily become vulnerable to other people’s demands and desires. Your parents or friends may have ideas on the career you should pursue, the kind of life you should lead, and the types of activities you should get into, but you have to decide what you want to do. It’s OK to be alone sometimes to find out what you like to do and discover the things that interest you and make you feel good. You don’t have to be with your best friend or boyfriend every waking moment. You can take career or personal interest inventories to assess your skills and find a job or career that you may find fulfilling, which we’ll discuss later. But it all starts with tuning in to yourself—then you can discover your purpose and develop goals around that through prayer, coaching, and staying aware of your surroundings and opportunities that come along.
CONSIDER THIS
God knows us because He made us in His own image. It’s easy to get caught up in what celebrities and your friends are doing, and keeping up with the popular kids at school. But don’t get lost in all of that. Go back to the basics, back to the Word of God (the Bible) to discover who you are, your talents, and gifts. Don’t look to others for constant confirmation, or develop approval addiction. It’s a surefire way to lose yourself. We’ll talk about this more in Chapter 6, “What’s Wrong With My Friends?”
FURTHER READING
Learning who you are and finding yourself will take time. While you reflect, check out some tips from the book Be U: Be Honest, Be Beautiful, Be Intentional, Be Strong, Be You! by the contemporary gospel duo Mary Mary. And after that, marvel at the self-doubt and hurt that the iconic superstar Janet Jackson overcame as shared in her memoir, True You: A Journey to Finding and Loving Yourself.
2 WHAT’S WRONG WITH MY LOOKS?
“People are like stained glass windows: They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light within.”
—Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
As females, it seems like we always want something someone else has without appreciating what we do have. If we have straight hair, we wish it was curlier. If we have fine hair, we wish it was thicker. Some of us with a curvy shape wish we were thinner, and those of us who are short wish we were taller. Bigger/smaller nose, breasts, legs, or booty—it’s hard for us to accept ourselves as is—or feel like we’re “just right.”
I didn’t like my looks as a teen, either. I wore bangs for years because I had a lot of pimples on my forehead, and also had them on my back. I had a light moustache that was just dark enough so you could see it. I was unhappy with my small breasts, and sometimes I was teased because of my hair, which is very thick, coarse, and bushy—unlike my mother and sister. I didn’t start wearing a relaxer in my hair until I was in high school, and my mother didn’t know how to handle it in its natural state other than to press it with a hot comb (no flat irons back then) or braid it.
October 8, 1990 10:13 p.m.
Lord, when are my boobs gonna grow some more? Why do I have to be flat-chested? I’ll bet any amount of money that my sister’s hooters are bigger than mine by the time she’s 21…
I was right—and it didn’t take that long.
My body is pear-shaped, which I inherited from my Gramma. My top half is much smaller than my wide hips, thick thighs, and big booty. I noticed my shape around sixth grade, and of course others did, too. One of those memorable times was on the first day of school.
I began seventh grade (junior high for me—and a new school, to boot) with all eyes on me. I found a black cat suit two weeks before school started, during our family summer vacation in Boston. Oddly enough, when I tried it on in Filene’s Basement, my mother and her friend approved of the outfit. Thinking back, it did look good on me, but it caused quite a stir at school, and I got a lot of attention and compliments from both boys and girls. When I think about it now, I consider that outfit to be inappropriate for a 13-year-old to wear to school. People still remember that catsuit and ask me about it to this day!
But I didn’t always feel confident in form-fitting clothes. It takes most of us years before we totally accept our bodies as they are, and I am no different. I had a phase where I used to hide my body by putting on long shirts that covered my butt. Some girls wear big clothes to cover up their shape; others wear clothes that are too small to flaunt their shape. Both are wrong. Big clothes only make you look bigger (if you don’t believe me, watch a couple of episodes of What Not to Wear on the TLC TV channel, where other clueless fashion misfits get schooled). You can wear what fits you and still be classy. More on this in a minute.
Now my attitude is different. So what if my breasts are small and my butt is big? Does the size of my body parts make a person smarter or dumber? No. Do they attract or distract guys, making us females more or less desirable? Maybe and maybe not, but who cares? The male species is attracted to a wide variety of body types, and it started long before Sir Mix-a-Lot’s popular song, “Baby Got Back,”, and well before the likes of Halle Berry, Beyoncé, Serena Williams, Kim Kardashian and Jennifer Lopez came on the scene flaunting their derrieres.
DON’T BELIEVE THE (MEDIA) HYPE
Celebrities, models, and other stars you see on TV, in music videos, movies and magazines all have to spend hours upon hours getting glammed up. They have personal trainers, chefs, stylists, make-up artists, and beauticians working together to create the ultimate finished image for the camera. If you had a glam squad hooking you up for a few hours, you would look like that, too. Not to mention the photo retouching and airbrushing.
Shaun Robinson, an anchor on “Access Hollywood” and author of a book I highly recommend you read, Exactly as I Am, visited Oprah’s all-girl school in Africa and noted how the girls’ lack of exposure to the media allowed them to develop confidence without those distractions [ ENDNOTE 1]. I think we would be better off, too, by limiting our daily media intake.
You can be beautiful no matter what size or shape you are. In Tyra Banks’ 2007 “So What!” campaign, she promoted healthy body image and encouraged young women everywhere to embrace the flaws all of us have—even this world-renowned-former-supermodel-turned-talk-show host!
GOOD AND BAD HAIR DAYS
Ahhh, bad hair days. I’ve had more than my fair share of them. My mother and sister have soft, wavy hair that’s easy to manipulate—nothing like mine. My mother didn’t hide her frustration when it was time to press my hair or braid it after I washed it. My mom found my hair hard to manage, especially when I got to the age where I no longer wore cornrows and little-girl plaits. But I loved to get my hair “done”—it made me feel so good. To me, getting my hair done was the best feeling in the world, and an instant confidence-booster when I came out of the salon looking fly. And the whole ordeal of getting my hair “done” every few weeks, sitting in salons for hours, subjecting my scalp to burns from the lye (sodium hydroxide) in the perm and excessive heat from the hair dryers—it was all heavily rooted in wanting to achieve styles and a hair texture that made me feel better about myself—again, wanting what I didn’t have. So whether I had a Jheri-curl, a perm, or box braid extensions, I felt like I was at my best when my hair was on point. I used to cut pictures out of magazines like Hype Hair, Sophisticate’s Black Hair, Ebony, and Essence that I wanted to emulate, but I could never reproduce my stylist’s work at home the next day. (NOTE: I don’t know why Blacks and Whites use the term “perm” differently: I use it to refer to a chemical process that permanently straightens the hair, while Whites refer to perms as chemical process that permanently curls the hair).
I remember one day at school when I was about 15, and at lunch, one of my friends noticed that I had a big patch of hair missing from the side of my head! I don’t know how I hadn’t noticed, but it definitely happened during my weekend visit to a local beauty school. (It wasn’t my first or last visit, as my funds were limited, but thank God that never happened again!)
September 24, 1991 5:10 p.m.
My hair determines my self-esteem. If I like my hairstyle, I like myself, and vice versa.
The notion of having a bad hair day was very real to me, but I took it to the extreme: My self-esteem was wrapped up in my hair. Believe it or not, millions of grown women still feel this way.
Consider the 2009 documentary, Good Hair, which explored Black womens’ obsession with their hair, causing them to spend thousands of dollars on hair weaves and relaxers, a.k.a., the “creamy crack.” I don’t know who taught us to hate our natural hair. Whatever the reason, hair care is a billion-dollar industry, and Black women are a large part of that.
In 2010, after relaxing my hair for 20 years (at 4- to 6-week intervals), I started looking into what it would take for me to start wearing my hair natural again. I wasn’t in a rush, but I began reading blogs and watching YouTube videos that answered questions about styling and maintaining natural hair. After all, you don’t see many White women trying to make their hair look like ours—they embrace their texture. Why couldn’t I?
Not only that, but my daughter was asking me questions about why she couldn’t wear her hair down like the other little girls at school. When I came home from the salon with my hair flat ironed or with a Dominican blow-out, it was straight and silky, falling past my shoulders. She loved the look and wanted me to do the same thing to her hair. I didn’t want her to think that her hair has to be straight or swing to be beautiful, so I examined my own beliefs about my hair, did some research, and then did the big chop. I didn’t think I could deal with styling my natural hair, but I remembered when I first learned how to roll my hair with rollers, use a curling iron, and so on, and I knew after an adjustment, I’d be alright.
These days I’ve learned that although I still allow my hair’s “behavior” to affect my mood, good hair is simply healthy hair—straight or curly, kinky (not nappy—sounds too negative) or smooth, light or dark. It’s all about you feeling comfortable with yourself (not your peers, co-workers, or family members), and looking your best. You represent you all day, so do it right!
CHECK YOURSELF AT THE DOOR
This goes for your wardrobe as well. No one should care more about your appearance—or what you’re wearing—than you. That means no matter what size you are—4 to 24—you should wear clothes that fit you, look good on you, and make you feel confident. More and more clothes are being made to accommodate all kinds of sizes and shapes. But I shake my head sometimes when I see how some people wear jeans that don’t cover their behinds, or shirts that don’t cover their bellies. Take a little pride in yourself by acknowledging some basic principles of dressing excellence.
You can look good no matter what size you are.
Your shirt is too small if:
The buttons are holding on for dear life, pulling the sides of your shirt so far apart you can see “O’s” down the front of your blouse, not to mention your bra underneath.
You can see the skin on the bottom of your stomach. Not cute. If you have rolls or a “pooch,” don’t accentuate it with a tight shirt.
The armholes are rolled up in your armpits, and we can’t see the entire hem of your sleeves.
Your pants/jeans don’t fit if:
You can see your ankles while you’re standing up (which means your pants are too short).
Anyone can see your crack when you’re standing or bent over. Either your pants are too small, or you may need a higher rise.
If you have to lie on your bed, jump up and down, or hold in your gut to zip up your pants.
Your undergarments don’t fit right if:
Your bra creates breast bubbles under your shirt. In that case, your bra is too small, and you probably need to go up a cup size (get a proper bra fitting in a department store).
You can see your bra or panty lines through the clothing—that’s what Spanx and other shapers are for. They smooth rolls, lift breasts, and eliminate panty lines. Try one on, and you can see the difference instantly!
In general, your rule of thumb should be if you have to squeeze into it, it doesn’t fit!
You can learn a lot about how to dress by watching What Not to Wear—
I did. The show helped me understand how to dress for my body type and how to find clothes that fit and pair them with clothes I already own.
Not only is it important to know what to wear but also what not to wear and when to part with clothing that’s not right for you (see “Love It or Leave It,” below). Your image really suffers when you wear clothes that don’t fit. Like it or not, we judge people based on how they look—partly because if we don’t know someone, we have to start somewhere, and it usually starts with first impressions.
[SIDEBAR]
LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT
If you own any clothing that violates the preceding principles, say your goodbyes—but keep the memories (take a pic if you want to)—and let the clothes go. Don’t torture them or yourself another day. Put them in a big bag, and drop them off at your local Salvation Army or other charity of choice. Sharing is caring.
For a thorough reality check on your clothing, do the “love it or leave it” inventory and ask yourself the following four questions about each article of clothing in your closet. It’s easy to get overwhelmed with this task, so you may want to take a few days, depending on the size of your wardrobe, and/or enlist the help of an honest, no-nonsense friend to get it done in one shot (why risk the temptation to keep hoarding or prolong the pain?).
Ask Yourself…If …Then…
1. Do I still like this item? YesProceed to the next question.
NoDonate it to charity or a friend who wants it.*
2. Does this item still fit me? (Keep it real—refer back to “Check Yourself at the Door,” above.)YesProceed to the next question.
NoDonate it to charity or a friend who wants it.*
3. Do I receive compliments when I wear this item? Does this item make me feel good when I put it on? Is it comfortable and does it suit my body?Yes (to all)Proceed to the next question.
No (to some or all)Donate it to charity or a friend who wants it.*
4. Have I worn this item in the past year? Will it be in style next year? (NOTE: If you have nothing to coordinate it with, hold it in a separate “maybe” pile. Then once you finish with all the items in your closet, go back through the “maybe” pile and decide whether to donate it or make a match.)YesHold on to this one. It’s a classic, and it’s a keeper.
NoIf you cannot find a reason to wear this item in the next two weeks, do not pass “go”—send it straight to the swap file.
* When it comes to a clothing swap, please note, do not pass on a dud! If you really care about your friends, don’t offer them something that doesn’t fit them or is otherwise unflattering.
[END SIDEBAR]
In case you think I’m contradicting myself, let me be clear. I’m not talking about trying to portray a false image to impress people; I’m talking about representing the best you. Some situations this is especially called for are job interviews, meeting new people, and first dates. In these instances, you will be judged by the way you look, but wearing clothes that help you feel confident and show off your best features tastefully will work in your favor.
IT ALL STARTS WITH YOU
It’s normal to wish that you looked differently sometimes, but realize your value is ultimately based on what’s inside, despite what anyone says. You have to start with you. What kind of self-talk goes on in your head? What kinds of things do you say to yourself day after day? There’s no one else like you!
Have you accepted yourself for the wonderful, unique person you are? If not, you have to make peace with your identity and how you look physically. While you’re sitting around wishing that you had a nose like your friend’s, hair like your neighbor’s, legs like your cousin’s, or hair like your sister’s, those people are likely quietly wishing they were like you in some way, too—it’s true! We’re all different, and everyone has something to be admired for—including you.
There’s nothing wrong with admiring someone, but you have to be careful not to put yourself down when you do it. Saying things like: “I wish I looked like her” is negative self-talk. As it’s stated in Psalm 139:14, “You are fearfully and wonderfully made” (NIV). What a great affirmation, straight from the Creator Himself! God doesn’t make mistakes. He knew you before He created the earth, and He created you, too.
CONSIDER THIS
Comparing yourself to other girls is normal—everyone admires something about someone else’s appearance—but don’t stress about it. And by all means don’t focus on Hollywood celebrities (who have trainers, cooks, and make-up artists at their beck and call). They have an image to uphold, and it’s not based on reality. After all, the average American woman wears a size 14.
More than anyone’s approval, you have to love yourself. If you don’t like what’s in the mirror, what can you do to change it? Is it even in your power to change it? The solution probably doesn’t lie in make-up or plastic surgery. When it comes to your physical looks that you can’t change, the answer lies in acceptance. Many times, life presents challenges to you, and you’ll find that there are some things you’ll have to accept as is. If you don’t accept your looks now, you risk a life of discontentment and misery, because without acceptance, there’s nothing else you can do but get frustrated.
Remember, how you feel about yourself is all in your attitude. Do you spend a lot of time with negative people who put you down or tease you because of your looks? People like this are toxic, and people that are toxic kill your self-esteem if you spend too much time around them. Try to limit or eliminate these influences from your life as much as possible. I’ll talk about this more in the next chapter, “What’s Wrong With the Way I Feel?”
FURTHER READING
Clueless about picking out clothes or overall fashion for your body type? Study Oh No, She Didn’t!: The Top 100 Style Mistakes and How to Avoid Them by Clinton Kelly and Dress Your Best: The Complete Guide to Finding the Style That’s Right for Your Body by Clinton Kelly and Stacy London.
3 WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE WAY I FEEL?
“It’s not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you’re not.”
—Author Unknown
The average person has about 60,000 thoughts per day. According to scientists, roughly 45,000 of those thoughts tend to be negative. [ ENDNOTE 2] I think for most of my life, that number has been a lot higher.
Everyone has feelings, and no matter how strong they are, the challenge is not to overreact to them in the heat of the moment—whether they’re feelings of sexual temptation, hopelessness, or anger.
It’s no secret I have a temper. I used to have temper tantrums as a child, and sometimes I would slam doors when I got mad. Other times, I could slip into depression for the same reasons that I would have the tantrum—because of hopelessness or feeling out of control. Not having a say in certain aspects of my life made me feel lost and helpless. I also didn’t accept myself or have much self-love.
October 4, 1990 10:25 p.m.
I wish I could die now. Really. Like in my sleep. To put me out of my misery. I don’t feel ANYWHERE close to adults, God, Deanna, or any of my so-called family and friends. Let me explain to you why:
My family only sees the exterior. They don’t really know me.
I can’t name one person I could call a true friend of mine.
God? It’s too complicated to begin with.
Adults have their own petty worries and concerns.
If I died right now, who would come to my funeral? Who would cry over me? Who would be happy? I will ALWAYS wonder about that.
I am in pain, and no one gives a damn, really. I’m pretty sure nothing would change without me. Who the hell loves me and how can they prove it?
MIND GAMES
At one time or another, we’ve said or heard someone exclaim, “What was he thinking?” Our behavior starts in our mind. Pastor, speaker, and author Dr. Creflo A. Dollar, who has written books that some Christian colleges use for their curricula, illustrates how important words and thoughts are with this chain:
Words become thoughts; thoughts become feelings; feelings become decisions, decisions become actions, actions become habits, habits become character, and character becomes destiny.
Dollar says that if you don’t like where you are, change the previous link in the chain. It’s true. So much of what we feel, think, and say is reflected in our behavior, which in turn affects our future. We can impact our destiny years before it comes to pass!
When someone tries to insult you by calling you names or “talks down” to you in a disrespectful tone, you recognize it pretty quickly. But what about the negative self-talk that goes on in your mind? Sometimes we can be harder on ourselves than our enemies are.
What’s going on in your head? What are you feeding your mind? Do you listen to music, read books, or watch TV shows and movies that lead to feelings of discontentment with your life? What you feed your mind can lead to negative self-talk—that is, saying things to yourself (or having thoughts) like: “I’m so stupid,” “I’m afraid to do that,” or “I’ll never be as good at that as he/she is.”
The command to “Love your neighbor as yourself” (see Mark 12:31) implies that you love yourself. And when you love yourself, you have a good sense of self-esteem, and you won’t disrespect yourself by thinking or saying negative things about yourself. Remember, words become thoughts, and from there, those negative or positive thoughts will manifest in turn.
But what if you don’t know how to stop yourself from thinking negative thoughts about yourself or others? Try identifying those thoughts that come to you over and over again when you get frustrated or upset. Then take them one by one and replace them with good thoughts, which come from speaking a positive affirmation. The positive affirmation can come from a promise in the Bible, or from simply flipping the negative thought to its opposite. Here’s a simple example:
Let’s say you leave for school one morning, and something goes wrong unexpectedly (you forgot your oral report note cards at home, you left your purse or backpack on the bus with your cell phone in it, or one of your friends is mad at you for something that’s not your fault).
If you normally think or say, “I always forget my stuff,” or “I can’t do anything right,” change your language. From now on, think and say either:
1.A personal affirmation: “I made a mistake, but I will try to do better tomorrow,” or
2. A spiritual affirmation: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13 NKJV)
When you tell yourself you’re not good enough, pretty enough, or smart enough to do something, you’re selling yourself short and yielding to Satan. Instead, empower yourself by saying something positive. If you practice saying and thinking the right things often enough, it will become second nature. If you’re a Christian, use Scriptures as affirmations, like in the example above. Memorize specific promises from scripture and confess them out loud, changing the pronouns to make them personal. You can say and pray these affirmations during your daily quiet time (where you reflect and meditate), or any time throughout the day. You can’t over-do the positivity. Anyone can use the power of affirmations to turn negative self-thoughts into empowering thoughts.
MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE
I used to watch VH-1 and MTV all the time—back when they played music videos all day (reality TV was not yet invented). I always loved to dance, and I was a bit fanatical about watching music videos. Whether it was Janet Jackson, Paula Abdul, or Salt-N-Pepa, I was captivated. I would learn all the dance moves in the music videos that played on VH-1 and MTV by recording them (with a VCR—that was the recording device that preceded DVD players and DVRs), and replaying them over and over again. I’d simultaneously press the pause and play buttons to catch the more difficult pieces of choreography. You couldn’t talk to me when one of these music videos came on TV, and it was best that the furniture was moved out of the way, because the videos instantly took me into a zone. Friends and family that came around while I was dancing found it amusing, but they knew not to mess with me.
My favorite dance video of all time is Janet Jackson’s “The Pleasure Principle.” I didn’t have a clue what she was talking about in the song, but the video had me mesmerized. It was just her dancing in an empty warehouse, full of passion, but not wearing anything revealing or suggestive—just a cinched tee shirt, jeans, and sneakers, with her hair bone-straight. You couldn’t tell me anything when that video came on, and if I did have a friend over, talking to me or playing with me, it all stopped as soon as that song came on. The coffee table got pushed to the side, and before long my glasses would fly off across the room doing those moves. The only thing I couldn’t do was the back flip off the chair toward the end of the routine. To this day, I have no problem rockin’ out when I see the video. Although “The Pleasure Principle” video wasn’t sexually suggestive, it was a rare breed. In those early MTV rock videos, I would constantly see images of white women with lots of cleavage and skimpy skirts, or lying around on cars. Although the color of the women in the videos may have changed, we see the same over-sexualized and blatantly violent images in hip-hop, today. It’s the same routine.
In my earlier MTV-watching days, videos and songs were either played or banned. There were no “radio-friendly,” edited versions without cuss words, or sexual or violent references bleeped out. Things are less black-and-white, today: I’m sure you’ve noticed in the songs you listen to now that only some of these questionable words are edited out.
I wish I could say that this media doesn’t affect us much, but it does. Over time, seeing these images and singing these words to a good beat desensitizes the best of us. We do the latest dances from the videos, pick up slang from the songs, and absorb messages about how young women should look, dress, act, or be treated by the opposite sex. Usually only light-skinned (or brown-skinned) women, hair textures (usually straight or wavy—often from a weave), sizes and shapes appear in these videos as being glamorous and desirable.
I have countless videotapes of music and awards shows that I’ve collected over the years. I haven’t gotten around to converting them to a digital format yet, but it doesn’t matter because I can still see the images in my head. If I hear any, and I mean any song that I saw a video of more than once, it plays back in my mind (especially any dance scenes). Music videos made an indelible mark on my brain. And like most kids, when I was in junior high and high school, I often tried to copy the celebrities’ styles, emulating elements of those that I admired in small ways, such as my hair, clothing, and jewelry.