© April Barbosa 2012
Published by April M. Barbosa Publishing at Barbosa Publishing
Special Thanks to everyone who has got my back from when I was the lying little girl, to the crazy alcoholic 20 year old to the woman you know me as today. It’s been a long hard road but never again will I go back to who I once was.
Some names and locations have been changed to protect the privacy of those mentioned in this book.
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CHAPTER 1
I was 12 years old the day my life started, and I was on my way to California. Yeah, I did have a life before this time and had a lot of memories I could share, but everything before 12 was so traumatic. I don’t feel like opening that door right now. As I sat on the plane staring out the window, I realized there was a lot more to life than what I knew, and I wanted to try a little bit of everything. The town I lived in was tiny and not very exciting. I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere back then so this trip was something I would never forget. I was still in shock that my grandma had convinced my mom to let me go, and my mom and step-dad had paid for everything.
Watching the ocean come into view made me feel so small but yet so alive. If I touched it, I could suck in the mysticism it held for most that came to see it. I wanted to have that same effect on people and decided right then and there that when I got back home and went back to school, my life would change no matter what it took. You see, I was branded that lonely, weird kid that no one wanted to talk to. It was because I was actually very self-conscious of all the craziness of the years before that I didn’t Know how to be me. Shit, in all honesty, I didn’t know I existed! I know this sounds crazy, but it’s true. I didn’t know how to be me, and I didn’t think I had a choice about anything going on in my life. I was like a leaf in a river riding the current and hoping for the best never knowing I had the power to change my destiny.
My grandma, Cousin Steve and I landed at the airport. It was so exciting watching people come and go! I would pick a person and try to make a story for them as to why they were at the airport on this day. It was fun. Tia Jenny came to pick us up and took us to her house. She has a big, beautiful house. It was two stories and had the most amazing furniture. We lived in a tiny trailer back home so this was like a palace for me. This was what I wanted - no small town for me. We stayed there for two weeks, and I sucked in the atmosphere like a sponge. My greatest influence was my Cousin Arlene. She was spontaneous and outgoing. We went to a church group while I was there, and she talked to me a lot about what it was like living in California. The two weeks flew by, and soon I was on my way home with a new-found knowledge that I thought I could use to my advantage.
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CHAPTER 2
I changed my appearance; yeah I still had the glasses but gave up the red headband ponytail combo. I started to wear my hair down and even tried makeup. It was something I was not permitted to do until after my quinceanera, but I slowly snuck it in the house. I copied the black cat eyed eyeliner I saw the girls in Los Angeles do, and I wore my bangs high with dark brown lipstick. I went to school that first day feeling like a model on the runway. The people I had went to school with for most of my life didn’t recognize me. I walked into my Literature class and took a seat in front of the boy I had a crush on in elementary school.
“Who’s that?” he asked the person behind him.
It felt so good to know I had caught his eye. This year was going to be different. I was no longer skinny bones April. I was 13, and this was exciting! I could hear my classmates whispering about me throughout class. I kept thinking I could make up a new name and story and start over. When the bell rang, my plan was shattered. One of my female classmates informed everyone who I was, and my life went back to being dull and unexciting.
Being non-existent can make time fly, weeks seem like hours, days like minutes and hours like seconds. Adolescents are the cruelest form of human beings. I can say this because I was on the other end of the pain they can inflict. Seventh grade had started out good. I made friends with some girls who were the “cool” group. They would invite me places and no matter how bad I wanted to go, I knew I couldn’t so I would make an excuse and once again be forgotten.
The first day the Kids started to realize I was different was the one and only time I ever went anywhere with them. It was homecoming and by some miracle, I had talked my mom into letting me go. I knew she would yell at me for weeks afterwards so I better make that night worth it.
You see, my mom is bipolar. She found anything and everything to be mad about. Growing up, I was her scapegoat. She blamed me for everything. During her bout of depression, she blamed me for her moods. I got to go to the homecoming football game, but I had to take my younger sister. I was okay. With this, as long as I got to go was all that mattered to me. I went and hung out with everyone. Then some of the girls wanted to go to the front of the school to wait for another friend who should have been at the game by then. We walked to the front of the school with my sister in tow. As soon as we got under the street light, I saw my mom and step-dad driving by. My mom didn’t give me a second to explain what we were doing. She yelled every cuss word in the book at me. My sister and I ran and got into the bed of the truck. I was grounded for a month. That Monday at school, my friends treated me differently. They didn’t want to sit with me or talk to me as often. I was embarrassed so I made up a lie as to why she was yelling. They seemed to believe me so I felt better. Lying was so much better than reality. I started to lie everyday about small stuff. Lying gave me a mini-rush and made me feel important like I had a life; a good life. Not like the sheltered, always being yelled at life I really had.
2
I cannot tell you the first lie I ever told, but I can tell you about the first big lie I told. It was the first week of school after the summer I went to California. All my peers were talking about their summers, their new boyfriends and girlfriends, and all the parties they had attended. I was 13-years-old and had never had a true boyfriend. Honestly, boys never seemed interested in me. Let me explain my appearance and maybe you will see why. I was about 60 pounds, very skinny and short. No one believed my age and assumed I was much younger. Classmates liked to throw the word “skinny bones” at me, and some of them had even asked if I was sick or had an eating disorder. The constant belittling slowly made me hate the way I looked. I began to wear a pair of baggy black pants every day to school because I believed they hid my skinniness. Other kids began to notice and tease me for being poor and not having different clothes to wear. I didn’t let this bother me too much because even though it made me self-conscious, it still wasn’t as bad as when they teased me about my body. Around this time the girls I was friends with began being mean to me. They would tease me for not being able to go out and party with them and also for not having a boyfriend. This is how the biggest lie came into existence. My grandma had the pictures from our California vacation developed. I brought a picture of my cousin from California to school and started to show people “my boyfriend”.
My cousin, Veronica also went to the same school as me and had heard I was showing kids a picture of my boyfriend so she wanted to see too. She was older then I was by two years, and I longed to be closer to her so instead of telling her the truth, the lie got bigger. I told her I had lost the picture. She asked who the guy was and where he was from. I made up a name as quickly as I could and told her he was from the next town over. Well, it so happens my quick thinking got me into hot water because I used a name of a guy from a school which was a rare name; both first and last, so I added a different last name behind the original last name. I’ll never forget my cousin’s face.
Veronica looked at me all weird then said, “That’s weird. There’s a guy here named that too but oh well.”
She walked away, and I think that was the last time she took me serious. That was the last time my cousin and I really talked. The rumors were flying, and everyone at my small school branded me as a liar.
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CHAPTER 3
Around this time, a new student by the name of Leanne enrolled in our school. She had come from Mesa, a place way bigger than our hick town. I wanted to seem cool and interesting to her so I could finally make a friend. She was a big girl who was built like a football player, very tall, and wide in the shoulders. We sat next to each other in art. As we sat there, she pulled out a sack of marijuana. I knew what it was, as I had grown up around it so it was nothing new. I told her my name and then proceeded to tell her not to tell anyone she knew me because I was wanted by dangerous people. Obviously she knew I was lying. Who would be after a scrawny Seventh grader from a hick town? I didn’t realize all this. I just thought I had made a new friend who thought I was cool and fearless. Little did I know was this girl was to become my bully for the entire time I attended that school.
The first few days Leanne started school were the best ever for me. She was always with me and treated me good. I introduced her to all the other Kids in our grade. Slowly, I realized she had begun to make jokes at my expense. I pushed it away in hopes it was my imagination. Then one day as we sat in art class, she leaned back and laughed at me. I don’t remember what she was teasing me about, but I know that was the beginning of my hell. She had made friends with the “cool” girls who had shunned me because of my lies. I was angry because now I had no one. At home I talked to no one, and at school everyone avoided me. I did have a few older acquaintances, but they were on the verge of graduation, and I was too embarrassed to explain my situation to them. Instead, I chose a different route to get the attention I yearned for. I began to lie more.
My “friends” were the kind of friends Judas was to Jesus. They were there smiling in my face all the while stabbing me in the back. A friend told me she wanted to see a fight because she was bored. I was the one always looking for a way to please so I said I’d get into a fight for her. I even let her pick the person to fight. She chose a girl named Keyline who was just a little bit bigger than me. I walked up to Keyline and told her I had heard she was talking trash about me. She was someone I had never talked to even though she was someone I had gone to school with since Kindergarten. She didn’t want to fight me. Keyline said she had no reason. I kept egging her on telling her to go out into the football field, I pushed her. She punched me a few times, and I got maybe one punch in before I fell to my knees. She began punching the back of my head over and over. The world was going in slow motion. I could not make my body cooperate with my mind, nor could I defend myself. The ordeal may have lasted about two minutes. We were separated by a teacher. The teacher hugged me close to her. It must have looked horrible in her eyes since I was a tiny Seventh grader getting beat up. I don’t think the teacher would have ever guessed I was the one who started the fight and deserved what I got. We were both suspended for a week. My mom was not upset with me. I felt proud of myself. When I went back to school, the kids treated me differently. I liked that feeling, but they also didn’t quit the bullying.
*****
4
Like I had said, I was extremely skinny and flat-chested. My female peers were all well-formed and had adult-like bodies. I still looked like a child compared to them. I tried everything to get my breasts to grow, but they just never did. I did the only thing I could. I stuffed my bra with toilet paper, and I wore a sports bra over that to try and hide the fact that they were not smooth and looked far from real. Now I look back and laugh because I thought I was very sneaky; it must have been funny for people at school to see me go from completely flat-chested to medium sized overnight. I was so stuck with the world in my head that I didn’t really think about the reality around me. What I mean by this is I spent all my time alone. Even in a room full of people, I was still alone. I would close my eyes and day dream about a world where I had friends and had a great, exciting life.
It seemed the more life got shittier at home, the more I day dreamed it away. I made up names of friends and told people at school that I hung out with these kids after class and on weekends. I lied and said I partied with my homies out of town. The funny thing was the town where I lived was tiny with a population of about 2500. Everyone knew everyone. There was no hiding that my mom was overprotective and didn’t let me go anywhere. They also knew my stepdad was very strict and would never allow me to go out of town with my friends. My stepdad was also related to one of the girls who I thought was my friend. I don’t know why I even considered her my friend. She was one of my worst tormentors when I first went back to that school.
For a few years, we moved around, and I went to two other schools. I considered my town my hometown because I attended Kindergarten and First grade in this town. Also, my grandparents lived there since before I was born, but that’s a tale for another time. When I was in elementary school, I never gave anyone any reason to pick on me. I was just a thin, tiny girl with glasses who sometimes wore my hair in a ponytail and had a headband at the same time. I was also very shy.
In my grade that year there was another girl who was not popular. She was as tall as an adult so the kids called her weird and shunned her too. One day, she started hanging out with the popular girls who were beautiful girls. I asked her how she managed to hang with the popular girls. She said she was giving them candy and money every day so she could hang out with them. That’s where I got the idea to buy these other girls’ friendship.
This girl would say rude things and treat me like I was the grossest person she had ever seen. Yet, there was still a part of me who yearned for acceptance so instead of defending myself, I would laugh it off like it didn’t hurt. I also brought her and others candy and money out of hopes they would like me instead of loathing me.
The “buying kindness” idea did not work for me during elementary so when I started middle school, I made a new game plan. The first few lies I told weren’t a big deal, but they did get me the attention I wanted. Kids began talking to me. I should have left well enough alone and quit lying, but it was an addiction that gave me a rush.
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CHAPTER 4
One day a Mexican student named Jaclyn, who was in my grade, started school. Our English teacher asked another Hispanic girl in our class if she spoke Spanish. The girl said no. I knew this was my chance to make a friend so I raised my hand and told the teacher I was fluent in Spanish. This was not true, as I had not spoken Spanish in a long time but I remembered a little bit. Jaclyn sat by me, and I asked where she was from. She said Chihuahua, Mexico. I tried to tell her my dad was from the same place, but it came out wrong. She laughed at me. This should have prepared me for what type of friendship it was going to be.
The teacher saw to it that Jaclyn and I would have most of our classes together. The only class we did not have together was right before lunch. This was a class that helped her to learn English (ESL class; English as a Second Language class).
As the days passed, I learned more and more Spanish. I was very proud of myself. The teachers always complimented me for helping teach Jaclyn and for getting great grades.
*****
While the teachers loved me, my peers were starting to find reasons to hate me more. I had those favorite pair of pants that I felt fit me great and hid my skinniness. I briefly mentioned these pants earlier in my story. I wore them every day. Now that I’m an adult, it sounds so disgusting to me though at 13, it was perfectly logical. I never thought anyone would notice, but my classmates did.
My class was in the library. The library had just gotten new computers, and there was a very cool program (well cool for those days). You could type in the name of an animal, and it would show pictures and information about that animal. It also had an option where you could click on an icon of a speaker and hear the noise the animal made. I was on the computer, had just searched lion, was listening to its roar when two girls came and stood near me. They said they wanted to use the computer. The librarian told them I had just started my computer session so they would have to wait their turn. They walked away mad. After looking up a few more animals, I got bored and got off the computer.
I went into the book shelves and began looking for a book to check out. As I was browsing the shelves, I heard whispering and laughing. I looked up to see what was so funny and saw two of my female classmates pointing and laughing at me; they were the same girls who were not able to use the computer. I assumed they were still mad at me and wanted to hurt my feelings. I tried to shut out their taunting voices, but when they started calling other classmates and spreading unknown juicy gossip, there was no more ignoring them. I went to a different bookshelf which not in their field of vision. They moved next to the entrance of the bookshelf and had me trapped!
I kept telling myself that no matter what they said, I was not going to cry. I was not going to let them ruin my favorite place - the library. To this day, I can still hear them talking about me. The conversation went like this
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“EW it stinks!” one girl said.
The other girl replied, “Yeah, it smells like someone who doesn’t take a bath!”
The first girl laughed an ugly, ridiculing laugh and said, “Have you noticed that April always wears the same pants? She must be the stinky one!”
The other girl giggled and replied, “Yeah it must be her. She is so nasty! I bet her mom doesn’t buy her clothes because she doesn’t love her.”
I didn’t listen to the rest of their conversation. I knew if I did, it would make me cry. I promised myself to never cry in front of these rude kids. Instead, I went to a table and threw myself into the book I had chosen. As I read, the world around me went away, and I knew reading was now my favorite hobby. I hated my life, but with a book I could travel anywhere and be anyone I wanted to be.
I got home that day and went through the pants I had in my closet. I hated all of them. My mom bought me pants that fit me perfectly. She did not know kids at school teased me for being so skinny. I didn’t want to tell her since my mom was the kind of person who feared nothing. She had been through hell and back with her exes. They were abusive to her, and it taught her to be tough and fight back. I was nothing like her. I was quiet, tiny and shy. She was small like me but had a big personality and many friends. She and I were like day and night. I didn’t think she would understand my predicament.
*****
The one time I did ask my mom for help, she scared me. A girl named Malinda had been picking on my younger sister Eloisa so as a big sister, I decided to see if I could get the girl to stop. I approached Malinda without any malice at all. My plan was to have a civilized talk with her and ask her to stop.
As soon as I mentioned my sister, she went off. She started yelling at me. I was shocked and did not know what to do so I just walked away. At lunch, I was sitting with some other girls when Malinda and her friend, who had the same name as her, came and sat at our table. Malinda did not give me a chance to speak.
She said, “I want to fight you, and my friend wants to fight her. We will meet you in the library tomorrow morning at first recess.”
They got up and walked away. My friend Tainan was shocked. She didn’t even know what had happened to make them want to fight. I explained the situation to her. She was scared of the girls. I told her not to worry. I was going to tell my mom.
That afternoon, I got home and told my mom what had happened. My mom asked me why I didn’t kick the girl’s ass. I told her I was scared. This made my mom mad. She told me she knew Malinda’s family. She made me get into the car, and we drove to the Malinda’s house. It was a tiny trailer in “Little Mexico.” The place was not Mexico; we just called it that because most everyone who lived there spoke Spanish.
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We pulled up in their yard and my mom said, “Get out”
I was scared! I didn’t want to get out of the car. My mom said she was going to see if Malinda wanted to fight me and if she did, we would fight right there in her yard. I begged her not to do that and asked my mom to make her leave me alone. I waited in the car. I really didn’t want to fight. I watched my mom back Malinda’s mom into the side of the trailer. My mom was yelling at her in Spanish. She said if her daughter messed with me again, she would come back and mess her up. That was the end of that. Malinda’s mom was scared of my mom.
The next day Malinda wanted to be my friend, but she moved a few weeks later. This happened when I was in the Sixth grade. I knew what my mom was capable of so I kept her out of my problems.
*****
For weeks, I endured these girls making fun of my clothes. I tried not to let it get to me but it did. It hurt. They called me stinky so much I began taking a bath as much as possible. To this day, I worry that I smell bad.
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CHAPTER 5
I was talking with Jaclyn one day in PE. There were other girls I used to hang out with sitting nearby so I made my voice loud enough for them to hear, as I told Jaclyn a lie. I told her I had gotten into a fight that past weekend. After English class, the girls came up to me like I knew they would and asked about my fight. I told them about the fake fight; making it seem like I beat some chick up. The girls told me I should get into another fight at school so they could watch me.
I told them if someone talked shit about me, I would fight. That night, I went home feeling great because the girls were talking to me again. I asked my mom what would happen if I got into another fight at school. She told me she wouldn’t care as long as I kicked the other girl’s ass because if I didn’t, she would kick my ass when I got home. This was different from my first fight. My first fight, my mom was all proud of me even though I had gotten “beat down.” I’m woman enough to admit it now. That chick, Keyline gave me such a good beating that I was punch drunk, and shit was going in slow motion. I was ready for this one!
The next day, I went to school all pumped up. I knew who they wanted me to fight. Now that I look back, it’s sad because the people they gave me as options to fight were girls who were nice to me. These girls would have been my real friends if I had had my head on straight.
I met up with Asia, and she told me the name of the gal I should fight. I was excited! The adrenaline was rushing, as I wanted the “mean girls’” approval. We went to PE, and I kept telling myself that I was going to fight Leanne because she was talking shit about my family. This was so far from the truth, but I didn’t care. It made my blood boil! I ran up to Tiffany in the PE locker room and slapped her in the back of the head as hard as I could. She turned around and asked why I did it. I told her because I knew she had been talking shit about my family and when people talk shit, they get hit. She denied it.
All the “mean girls” surrounded us and began to egg me on. I loved the feeling so I hit Tiffany again! She began to cry. For maybe half a second I felt bad, but the “mean girls” were who I wanted to be my friends so I swallowed that emotion and went with the anger. I focused on how many kids hurt me and did not stand up for me. I went with that.
Tiffany opened her locker to get out her PE clothes and tried to ignore me. This pissed me off even more, which brought out a glimpse of the violent woman I was to become.
Tiffany stood there with her sweats in her hand; I remember it clear as day. I felt she was disrespecting me by acting like I wasn’t there. I was tired of people treating me like I was nothing so I wanted to hurt her and make her remember me forever! She was leaning into her locker searching for something when I grabbed the locker door and slammed it on her head as hard as I could. She cried harder, and I laughed and told her to fight me. Tiffany wouldn’t fight so I told her she was going to get it after class.
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Throughout class, Id talk shit to her. The bell rang and I went to get her. Tiffany ran and was faster than me. We made it to the high school building within seconds of each other. She must have run in screaming for help because as soon as I got to the steps, the principal was right in front of me! That was my second fight and second suspension. I was getting addicted to fighting! The sound of a fist hitting skin eased the pain in my soul.
After the fight, I started to become a different person. This was not only my doing; it was also because of my school mates. They began to oust me completely. My lies had gotten out of control. I was like The Boy Who Cried Wolf. Even when I told the truth, no one believed me. I started to ditch classes so I wouldn’t have to face harsh looks and hear hurtful words. The turning point for me was when the “mean girls,” Asia, Cheryl and Andrea started hanging out together. They would drop mean, shitty notes on my desk and trip me going down the hallways. I ended up getting very sick with the flu and was out of school for a couple of weeks. When I got back, it was like they all conspired against me while I was gone. Leanne was now friends with Tiffany, the girl I had hit with the locker door. Leanne who towered over me, but her size did not stop her from picking on me. With all the stress the kids caused me, I made even worse decisions.
*****
As a youngster, I was always searching for acceptance. At the time, though I had no idea what I was looking for, I just knew that something was not right. I was always angry, hated life and everything in it. The only time I felt at peace was when I threw myself into a good book. I had no life but the lives of the characters in books. I felt like I was a ghost since no one seemed to notice me. At school, I lied a lot and didn’t have many friends. I am thankful for the ones who stayed my friends, but they never truly knew me, as I didn’t give them the chance. I lied too much.
This memoir is really about the day my life went from school problems to real-life, grown up problems. I am not sure of exact dates since all this happened more than 13 years ago. This was at a time when I was a mere child trying to throw myself into a grown up world. I thought I knew it all. I have to laugh when I think of the teenage me who was so brave and very stupid.
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CHAPTER 6
The 15-year-old April was a crazy girl. I was raised to believe men were the ticket for a woman’s success. I remember seeing one of my older relatives have a new boyfriend at each family gathering. I looked up to her and wanted that for myself. I was so socially awkward that I could never get a guy to be my boyfriend. Guys were interested in the pretty me, but I was so young and naïve that they lost interest quick
I had a good guy friend named Fred. We talked every day. One day I called Fred, but the phone was answered by another guy. I asked for my friend but he wasn’t home. The guy’s voice was deep and sounded older. He asked who I was and told me he’d have Fred call me back. He hesitated before we hung up, and that stuck with me. I wondered who he was and why my friend had never told me about him. Fred called me back, and I asked him who the guy was that answered the phone. He seemed angry that I asked but said he was his cousin, Jay and quickly changed the subject. I didn’t try to find out more about Jay, but I didn’t forget him.
A few weeks later I was home alone and the phone rang. I saw Fred’s number on the Caller ID. I answered, and a guy asked for me. I knew right away it was Jay. He apologized for calling me and went on to explain he was new in town and didn’t know many people. Jay figured he’d call me 'cause I sounded nice. Getting attention was awesome! I wanted to feel accepted and better yet, he talked to me like I was interesting. He used words I had never heard before. He was charismatic and charming, and I was hooked!
Jay and I talked every day for a couple of weeks. He told me he was from Texas and was 20 years old. He said he came to town looking for his dad, but he wasn’t here. Jay became homeless but finally found relatives and was bouncing from house to house. The reason he gave me for leaving Texas was his fiancé had passed away. There were too many memories in Texas for him. Jay told me he had a son named Junior who he hadn’t seen in a while because he lived with his mom in Hawaii. Jay told me he was in a gang and his nickname was Grey. He told me gang life stories. He was the kind of guy that in my naïve eyes would be a great boyfriend. I started to talk to my mom about him and finally got her to agree to allow him to come over and meet me in person.
The day I met Jay in person remains in my mind like it was yesterday. He called, and I told him to come over. He said he would walk over. Fred’s house was far away from mine so I felt good knowing this guy liked me enough to endure the walk in the heat. I kept looking out the dining room window waiting for him. Then I saw him! Jay was dressed all in black with black hair, a moustache and goatee. He was thin and compared to my tiny self; seemed tall. He must have been 5 foot, 8 inches. Now that I think about it, he wasn’t that tall. I was a young girl experiencing puppy love with a guy who was five years older than me and in reality; he should have had no business liking a girl my age especially since I looked like a 12-year-old instead of a 15-year-old!
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I walked onto the street wanting him to think I was cool and shook his hand like my guy friends shook hands. That impressed him. Jay said he never met a girl that greeted people like that. We sat on the front steps. I couldn’t stop staring at him. He didn’t look like all the young guys I knew. He had facial hair and seemed grown-up. He asked me to be his girlfriend, and I said yes!
My mom and stepdad liked him at first. Jay said all the right things and seemed like a good guy. He visited me every day. It was summer so I had no school. I thought I was in love. I thought he loved me too. If it’s possible for a child to love, maybe we were in love. My mom spoke to my Fred’s mom about Jay. The things my mom heard about Jay made her tell me to stop seeing him. She may have told me why, but I can’t remember the reasons. In my young mind I thought we were like Romeo and Juliet, and we had to fight to stay together.
The summer went days by. Jay and I never went on a date, never even hugged let alone kissed for those two months. He never tried to touch me anywhere. My family was always around. He would tell me he loved me and had never met anyone like me. I truly believed he was different from any other guy I had met
One day while on the phone, Jay asked me if I had ever been kissed. I told him I had. He asked if I was a virgin, and I said yes. He told me he had been a virgin when he was with his deceased fiancé. I felt so sad for him. To be so young and to lose the one you love must have been horrible.
Around this time, my mom was even more adamant about me breaking up with Jay. She said he was too old for me and was a bad person. She never told me what he had done to make her consider him a bad influence. I didn’t learn this until years later after he had hurt me and many other people. I know if she had told me, I would have never gotten as serious as I had with him. I told my mom about his fiancé dying. My mom felt bad for him too. This made her more lenient, and she permitted me to continue to see him.
I started school in August, and Jay began to spend lunch with me. I was so happy! I didn’t have many friends at school and was teased a lot. To have someone who was there for me made me love life again. He made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world! My trust for Jay was so strong that only a girl experiencing love for the first time could understand what I was feeling.
After school, Jay would visit me and sometimes he would even be at my house as soon as I got home. This began to get on my mom and stepdad’s nerves. They said he was trying to move in with us, and they didn’t like it. They wanted me to see him less. I was scared, as I didn’t want to see him less; I thought I’d die without him. I look back and wondered if what I felt was my fear of Jay leaving me for someone else.
My brother and sisters knew if I was mean to them I would get grounded, and my mom would stop me from seeing Jay. So they bribed me constantly! I walked around on egg shells at home. I have a very bad temper; even back then. I think I can control it now that I’m older; well that’s if I stop it before it starts. Once the fuse is lit, my temper flares. Back then I didn’t know what self-control was.
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CHAPTER 7
The night I lost my cool was a life changer. It was the start of a turn of events that will always affect my life no matter how old I am. My younger brother, Robert and I started arguing. I called him stupid and got up to leave the room. My brother chased me and stabbed me in the back of the knee with a pen or a pencil. I turned and punched him. My younger sister, Emma heard the fighting and ran in to defend Robert. I did what came natural and fought them both. My brother ran and got my other sister, Eloisa. I was so angry and wasn’t thinking. I just kept hitting and hitting Emma! I was 15 years old, and my sister was 8 years old. I was bigger than her but not by much.
I remember my brother running back with my sister, Eloisa. They pulled me off of my sister. When my mom and stepdad got home, my stepdad beat me with a belt. I knew what news was coming. My mom told me I could no longer see Jay. My heart broke! It was Friday night, and he was coming over the next morning. I was worried he would come over without calling, and my mom would yell at him. So even though I was grounded, I snuck a phone call to his house but no one answered. I cried myself to sleep and prayed he would at least see on the Caller ID that I had called.
The next morning I woke up bright and early which was not the norm for me. I would sleep till about 2 in the afternoon if my family let me. My mom and stepdad were being nice to me and acting like I was never grounded. I was convinced it was a miracle and thought they forgave me and chose to not ground me. The phone rang, and I answered on the first ring. It was Jay. I told him what had happened the night before. He scolded me and said I shouldn’t be fighting with my sisters or brother. He asked if he could still come over and visit me. I told him yes. I don’t know what possessed me to say that when I knew I was grounded. We hung up so he could start the long walk to my house.
My family was outside doing yard work so I went outside with them. I Knew I’d have to do some smooth talking to convince my mom and stepdad not to be mad when Jay showed up.
As soon as I opened the door my mom said, “I heard the phone ring. That stupid ass boyfriend of yours better not be heading over here. If he does, I have a lot to say to him, and I’m going to tell him he can’t see you ever again!”
I began to cry and yell at her. I asked why they never let me do anything, see anyone or go anywhere. They weren’t listening to me. My mom was screaming threats at me. My stepdad was too busy watering his plants and undoing his belt. I knew that was the sign for me to run away while I still could!
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I ran to my room. I was crying hysterically. Jay was coming over and once he got there, my world would fall apart. My parents would make sure he never saw me again! So I did the first thing I could think of. I ran to my younger brother and sister’s room, opened the window, pushed out the screen and climbed out into the backyard. I ran across the backyard as fast as I could, jumped the back fence and sprinted down the alley. I looked back once and saw my mom sitting on a chair in the front yard. If she had turned at that moment, all would have been over for me. She didn’t turn, and I ran straight to the main road in front of our housing community. I kept running.
I could see a figure walking between the cotton fields coming toward me. I knew it was Jay right away. I knew his silhouette anywhere. I ran to him and thru myself into his arms! He gave me a huge smile, saw I was crying and asked what was wrong. I told him I had run away because my parents weren’t going to let him see me anymore. He grabbed my arm roughly. For a few seconds, anger was the only emotion I could see on his face.
Jay let go of my arm, grabbed my hand and asked, “Where are you going?”
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CHAPTER 8
That question alone should have prepared me for our future together, but it didn’t. I was still a young, naïve and gullible girl who had never been in love before. I told him the first thing I could think of, which was a lie. I told him I had homies in Phoenix who would pick me up and take me far away from my town. We started to walk. He said he would go with me to make sure I got there safe.
I was hurt, as I thought he loved me and I told him so. I said, “Jay, I ran away to be with you. Are you going to leave me when my homies pick me up?”