From Sinner to Saint and Back Again
By Roleby Colvin
Published by Roleby Colvin at Smashwords
Copyright 2012 Roleby Colvin
For my muse the lady Kimbrel
An Essay
It is said that the
biggest hearts carry the biggest scars…
How true this is…
Hearts
alone are like old warriors and people show their scar’s in
different ways.
Some show them with pride, letting the world know
just what they have been through, letting everyone know they have
loved and lost.
That they have trusted and been let go.
They
can let go and be proud of who they are,
And though it is sad,
there are other people whose hearts are maimed by the wounds they
carry.
These hearts retreat from their wounds, they wall off the
hurt that is there and never let the pain touch them, and though
these hearts reach out time and again, they only find one more scar
and another wall is built.
Until finally the heart that was, is no
more.
They live, they breathe but in the end they are already
gone…
Walking through life with nothing to share, waiting in a
sea of numbness until sweet shadow releases their burden.
Some
hearts find hope, they learn to heal, and sometimes walls can come
back down, the heart learns to beat again.
Though few and far
between does this happen…
A hope in the heart can see it
through; no matter how big a scar is left to you…
Are You My Priestess?
Are you my
priestess?
How many times in my life have I been right
here?
Busted, broken, and sleepless…
How many times have I
cried out into the night for you?
Bearing my soul and wicked
grin…
Things on my heart weigh so heavily,
they eat and eat
at me,
like a starving rat on a piece of meat…
I wrestle, I
dodge I deflect…
because that is who I am…
Pain bursts
through my veins, and drives me blind,
Leaving me washed out and
dying,
Crying in the night…
I have taken the pills, the
little blue goddess that numbs my soul…
I have swallowed sweet
amber liquid to quench the pain…
But still it stays;
still I
pay, night after night…
My heart is not stone,
but in these
nights I am so blisteringly alone…
There is no prayer or sacred
space that can fill this void
or take its place…
Empty
staining ink on the flesh of my soul…
Life is pain and
despair…
Every so often there is a moment of peace,
But they
are so few and far between…
Wasted days and wasted nights,
Smoke more, eat less; sleep comes in broken steps…
Memories
flooding my mind,
the ringing click of slide and gun…
Some
nights I am just so ready for it all to be done…
Slow death by
life,
or end it quick with a shot in the night?
That’s when
I run,
Scared, broken, beaten little boy that I am,
I no
longer feel that I am a man…
I look to you for comfort, my most
sweet priestess,
a kiss on my heart to soothe the pain…
My
fingers itch and twitch as I pick up the phone for a busted
ramble,
And it comes out,
My confession from deep in my soul…
The pain floods my fingers, as my grammar slays your phone,
Can’t
you see I am writing, fighting out my demons?
Pushing them out as
best I can...
I want to live and be someplace good,
someplace
happy again…
I remember being happy, when the sun was bright and
warm,
Like candle light against my skin…
How do I get back
to times like that?
This place in my head I find is dark…
It
was so easy,
so mockingly quaint,
these ideas and places I
had in my mind…
I strive, I struggle, and try to make my way to
someplace new,
Only to find my way back to this dead calm
night,
Such a contrast to what I feel,
The roiling quake in my
heart,
The shattered pain in my soul…
But still I am here,
still I write, and still I cry out to you…
Look my love I have
been hurt…
Please my love, make it better…
Absolve me of my
sins,
Take my pain and kiss it away…
I beg you goddess, I
can’t take anymore
I am beaten and broken and my smile is
cracked…
What lesson is it I need to learn?
Have you not
beaten it into me yet?
Do I not bear your welts on my flesh?
Have
you not taken me to the ground?
I have seen my dark heart,
and
lived in its hell…
I have been a man bound in paradise
lost…
Look at me now and see me weep these tears I fight,
and
hold at bay, day by day…
All I need is a little peace, a moments
rest…
A quiet reprieve, no judgment’s, no torment,
just a
touch, a kiss, and one kind word…
Just a moment to catch my
breath before the next blow lands,
I am punch drunk and dizzy,
from one to many…
Here I am on my knees, begging you
please…
Just a little rest can’t you see?
No more demons or
whispered spirits to slay…
My confession I make to you freely…
I
am hurt, I am broke, and my pain runs deeper than you think…
I
can’t help it,
That’s why I weep,
It’s why I run,
But
my demons are fast and still the come,
And still I run…
Too
weak to fight,
But still I can cry for you,
my love, my
goddess,
my one true love…
Bitter Sweet
Trying and loving,
just breathe…
A long slow breath to slow a shuddering
soul…
Quaking, making me weak, weak for more.
The last breath
of air for a drowning man…
I pull you in, the love I know you
have for me,
I take it all and I want more.
Tossing turning
thrashing…
I fight my way to what I want;
in the end will
you be game?
Will you take a broken boy?
Or leave him to his
shame?
Will you remember the love he has for you in return?
Will
you see him and go away?
Will you welcome him with passionate
kisses?
Or bid him farewell with your well wishes?
An answer to
a question so often is asked.
He is ready to leave his past,
to
move forward now with you his hand in yours.
Is it too late for a
lover’s redemption?
Is the fire still burning for what I
got?
The boy you know is slow,
Life swirls and clicks in a
different way.
He knows now he cannot stay,
His heart is dead
to the one he is with,
He cannot stand the place he is in,
Both
in mind and body it's time to move forward,
And see what is to be
found in life's next story,
Nervous, happy, frightening life.
What
will happen when he has no wife?
His hopes do soar for a place he
dreams,
in a swirling mass of tossed up confusion.
He stumbles
forward, to his lover’s arms…
the choice is hers and no
others…
Caffeinated Baby
You are my baby girl
and my baby girl runs on caffeine.
She rarely sits or even sleeps,
unless of course it's a drive she seeks.
She is beautiful and
wonderful in her eccentric ways,
She captivates my mind by the way
she plays…
She feels so alive and even more bold.
How I long
to be the one she holds,
in the soft moments of her flight…
but
in those small moments all is right,
and I love that my baby girl
runs on caffeine…
Castle in the Sand
I built a castle in
the sand,
and watched it fall unto the land.
I did not mean to
make it fall…
But in my duplicity I built it too tall.
It was
not a wave or strong blowing wind,
That tore the walls from where
they ascend.
The earth did not shake,
from a deafening
rumbling quake.
It was not rain or sleet,
which made my tower
fall.
It was the quiet silent pride of my gall…
This gleaming
tower was my refuge,
my own corrupt bastion of made up
glories.
Don’t look closely or you might just see,
The plain
ordinary me…
It came so soft, the sound so low,
From a
beautiful siren.
She said no and why do you hide from me,
in
this tower for others to see?
It took the tears in her eyes to
make me see,
the truth of what I was and had become…
I did
not have a castle with pristine walls.
It was my prison of lies
standing tall…
I was trapped by my own device.
My soul
shuddered…
My heart cracked…
The tower did rumble from
within.
I could not stand this place and where it sat.
I saw
myself as others do…
My finally crafted mask was ugly to me at
last.
The bile rose in my belly.
The anger shot from my true
heart.
This castle is done…
I took it down like rule of
thumb.
I tore its walls with hands and nails…
Never again
will I fail,
and erect this tower of standing falsehood.
I
felt it fall and my world did shake.
The dust in the air did cover
my face.
I choked and I cried.
Trying to find a pure breath of
air…
The debris swirled around me and blackened my sun.
I
tried and I fought to hold my own.
But when the dust settled I was
alone.
The wind did not stir.
Nor the oceans churn.
It was
just me and the rubble I had made.
Broken lies,
broken times,
Scattered about me…
What had I created had crumbled and
fell.
My defenses are gone.
My soul lay bare.
I hung my head
in shame and defeat.
Was it all for not?
I fell to my knees.
I
cried and I shivered.
The guilt was on me,
and it was
bitter…
I knelt there in that void where time escapes meaning,
and then I felt it faintly at first…
The wind did stir;
it
kissed my cheek,
and caressed my face.
It was then I noticed
she was there.
She held me close with tender care…
She saw my
soul as it lay bare.
She whispered these words into my ear
I
love you…
And hope filed the air.
For once again I knew
it.
She did care…
And we walked across my castle crumbled in
the sand…
Roleby
I am not always
bright; in fact at times I can be quite dense.
Sometimes I forget
things I should not.
I can be slow and take the hard way to get to
things, even when others have tread the way before me.
Sometimes I
can be rude and downright mean but never cruel.
These are faults
and I own them true,
but there is more to me than these few
things.
With my faults come virtues…
I am a man, who walks
with honor, though sometimes I fail, I never give up.
I am a loyal
friend, a proud brother, and a protective father…
My family
spreads far and wide from people I have found within my life.
I am
impulsive and quick to anger and quicker still to forgive an
offense.
I am a man who will bend over backwards and give you my
all to lift you up.
My love is passionate and fierce like a
burning sun and for those I love it will not be undone.
I am a man
who stands when others sit.
I have fought for others who could
not.
I am the man who will give his life for those he loves
without regret.
I am more than the sum of what I am and what I
was!
I am Roleby…
perfectly imperfect as I am.
I am your
best friend.
I am your passionate lover.
I am your caring
brother.
I am your Roleby…
Dear god
Dear god,
It’s
me again been awhile hasn’t it?
We don’t speak like we use
to.
When I poured my heart in constant prayer,
a buffer, a
shield for what I bared.
You see I thought you forgot me,
and
left me behind…
You set me on fire and left me singed with
lessons of torment,
And pain that didn’t end…
You made so
angry I wanted to cry.
Why would you want me to try and die?
Why
would you send me down the path?
The way was so unclear.
I
raged, I fought,
and in my anger I forgot you!
About you…
You left me, I didn’t need you.
I found my anger, I cursed
your name, I lost my faith,
and then you broke me…
How many
lives in my head have I lost to you?
You tore me down…
You
laid me low...
But still I fought I would not go.
My heart
was becoming made of stone,
Arrogance pride and stupid false
honor.
I was a man I wanted no longer …
Dear god why?
I
questioned you,
Night after night day after day …
Why must I
pay?
Why me, woe is me, fuck it all is this me?
Dear god it’s
me again…
Long time since we talked…