10 Steps to Self-Esteem
The Ultimate Guide to Stop Self-Criticism
©2011 Darlene Lancer
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Ten Steps from Self-Criticism to Self-Esteem
Whether or not you’re aware of it, you have an inner critic. Everyone does. Self-criticism is the major contributor to low self-esteem. If your confidence and happiness are suffering, if you’re feeling insecure, inadequate, or vaguely not enough, if you’re rarely content, have trouble pursuing goals or are stressed out pursuing them, or if you’re in an abusive relationship, there’s a good chance your inner critic is working overtime. It can rob you of happiness, make you ill, and ruin your life. Your destiny, relationships, and success or failure largely reflect your thoughts and self-esteem. Self-esteem isn’t dependent upon success or others’ love or approval, which is “other-esteem” and, like winning an Oscar, only makes you feel as good as your last performance. Self-esteem, on the other hand, is an inside job. Improving it depends upon your taking conscious steps to do so.
There are many books and approaches to raising your self-esteem, but this handy guide distills simple steps that crystallize dealing with your inner critic – the forefront of the battle. When you treat yourself well, you expect others to do the same. You feel confident and hopeful and are able to accomplish your goals. Notice that these 10 steps are organized from A to J to help you remember them on a daily basis.
I wish you success on your journey.
Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT
Table of Contents
STEP TWO ~ B. Befriend the Critic
STEP THREE ~ C. Collaborate, Challenge, and Confront
STEP FIVE ~ E. Encourage Yourself
STEP SIX ~ F. Forgive Yourself
STEP SEVEN ~ G. Gratitude and Good Deeds
STEP EIGHT ~ H. Habit of Positive Self-Talk
STEP NINE ~ I. Imagine the New You
Understanding Self-Esteem
It’s said that you allow others to abuse you a little less than you abuse yourself. So if you desire lasting love, learn to love yourself, because your intimate relationships parallel your relationship with yourself. It starts with self-esteem, self-acceptance, and finally self-compassion and self-love – all progressive stages.
Self-Esteem
Self-esteem impacts your relationships with others and your relationship with yourself. It affects self-care, boundaries, and communication. Self-esteem determines the way you allow others to talk to you and how you value and communicate your needs, thoughts, and feelings. It underpins personal integrity, your ability to pursue goals, and it’s crucial to effective parenting. As a parent, if your self-esteem is low, it inevitably influences your parenting and actions, and children learn most by imitation.
Most people base their worth upon other-esteem. They seek approval and validation from others, and, unless they receive it, their opinion of themselves isn’t very high unless. True self-esteem isn’t based upon what others think of you, since its self-esteem. It’s basically what you think of yourself. You may think well of yourself and your competence in some areas, but not in others, and your estimation may fluctuate with illness and life’s ups and downs. However, if you have good self-esteem, you return to feeling good about yourself. You won’t blame yourself, nor take others’ opinions or what fate throws at you personally. You’ll think you’re an okay person despite losses, ill heath, mistakes, and rejection.
The biggest obstacle to self-esteem is self-criticism. Many people only focus on their flaws and have trouble acknowledging their assets. Others have inflated, unrealistic opinions of themselves. People believe that narcissists have high self-esteem. Yet, they lack true self-esteem, because their self-esteem can plummet when a major loss occurs, especially in areas that support their self-concept, such as beauty, public acclaim, or material success.
The good news is that self-esteem is learned. Generally, your self-esteem is learned from interactions with your parents. If yours is low, you can learn to have higher self-esteem. Take the steps suggested here, and watch yours grow.
Self-Acceptance
Unlike self-esteem, which varies, self-acceptance is steady and unconditional. You accept yourself despite your flaws, failures, and limitations. You’re more self-forgiving and let go of self-judgment. Instead of comparing yourself to others, both positively and negatively, you appreciate your singular individuality. You feel that you’re enough without having to improve upon yourself.
Self-acceptance works wonders. Once you start accepting yourself, you gradually stop worrying what others think and become more spontaneous and natural. Self-acceptance is what allows you to be authentic. When you accept yourself unconditionally, you lack fear or shame about revealing yourself. You can finally relax, and allow more of the inner, real you to be seen. This is key to intimate, spiritual relationships. Accepting yourself is also what allows you to accept others.