Inner Fitness
For Creating A Better You
Six Lessons for
Building Greater Awareness, High Self-Esteem, Good Relationships, and Spiritual Meaning
Suzanne E. Harrill, M.Ed. – L.P.C.
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Inner Fitness
For Creating A Better You
Six Lessons for
Building Greater Awareness, High Self-Esteem,
Good Relationships, and Spiritual Meaning
Copyright C 2003 by Suzanne E. Harrill
Updated 2007
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without written permission from the copyright holder, except for handouts used for teaching purposes. Please give credit to the author.
Published by
Innerworks Publishing
167
Glengarry Place
Castle Rock, CO 80108 USA
ISBN: 1883648-11-4
ISBN: 1883648-12-2 e-book edition
I dedicate this book to:
Nancy Moonstarr, my sister
and
Laura Mary Shaw, my mother
In appreciation, I thank Diane Langley for editing. Thank you Susan Pietrowski at Utopian Art (713-662-0561) for the beautiful cover design and my husband Rodney Harrill for the flower photograph.
Table of Contents
Inner Fitness for Creating A Better You
Two Ways to Use This Manual iv
Lesson 1: How Do You Feel About Yourself? 1
Lesson 2: Building Self-Esteem Awareness 10
Lesson 3: Things You Were Taught That Are Not True and
Things You Were Not Taught That Are True 16
Lesson 4: Who’s the Matter with Me 26
Lesson 5: Building Better Relationships 42
Lesson 6: Spiritual Growth: Developing Deeper
Meaning and Purpose in Your Life 57
Appendix I: Self-Esteem Awareness Can Improve Your 69
Effectiveness as a Group Facilitator
Appendix II: Relationship Enrichment Cards 71
Free on-line newsletter, The Innerwords Messenger, to spark the inner journey.
www.InnerworksPublishing.com
Two Ways to Use This Manual
Let me start with a short background describing why and how Inner Fitness for Creating a Better You began. While living in Australia in the year 2000, a group of women, Vietnam veteran wives, in the city of Maitland, asked me to speak to them about self-esteem. One woman approached me afterwards and asked if I would train several of them to take the ideas presented to women in other chapters of their support network. This manual was originally created to train these women. Now I, and many others, use this course to facilitate awareness and self-discovery in others.
Inner Fitness for Creating a Better You can be used in two ways:
Individually as a self-study course. Here, you work at your own pace reading the manual, preferably out loud, and completing the assignments as you go. Journal writing is encouraged, as is taping the meditations with affirmations. A pack of 3x5 cards is needed for writing down affirmations.
In a group setting with a facilitator. Here the facilitator guides a class through six weeks of lessons. There are easy-to-understand directions at the beginning of each chapter explaining which handouts to copy for participants. Students are encouraged to buy a notebook for journal writing and 3x5 cards for writing affirmations. Some students prefer to own their own manual.
In the group setting, the course encourages participation and discussion through reading out loud. Each person, who so chooses, takes a turn reading paragraphs or points from the handouts. The reader may comment on what was just read or the facilitator may comment when someone in the group looks confused. It is not mandatory to read aloud. This method, of reading and then commenting, quickly builds group cohesiveness. After the fourth or fifth person, it becomes apparent that we all have things in common, especially on a feeling level. At this point people begin sharing and discussing the ideas more easily. The facilitator’s job now is to help the group stay on task to complete the materials in the lesson. It is your call when to leave certain handouts out of the lesson in order to respond to time constraints, awareness level of the group, or the makeup of the group. For example, if a particular group is made up of mostly married people, there is no point in discussing in Lesson 5, What You Should Know Before Saying, “I Do.”
With the group-reading-out-loud method of presentation, someone with little or no teaching experience can facilitate these six lessons. Seasoned teachers may choose more lecturing and less class reading. Professional speakers and therapists may use the materials to support their own presentations and psychotherapy.
It is helpful for the facilitator to read the whole manual to become familiar with the material before starting a group. It is designed to take six weeks for completion, meeting for 1 ½ or 2 hours, once a week. Short, simple directions begin each lesson, on pages 1, 10, 16, 26, 42, and 57. Feel free to change the length of time or the number of sessions that you meet, according to your needs and style of facilitating this course.
Now to be more specific, imagine you are ready to facilitate your first Inner Fitness course. Here are the steps for facilitating lesson one, How Do You Feel About Yourself?
Step One: Look at page 2, Let’s Get Started. This session begins with a warm-up exercise, as do each of the others, to build feelings of safety and connectedness between group members. Begin by introducing yourself, then give each person a turn. Encourage each person to include why s/he is taking the class and what s/he hopes to gain. Even if some are uncomfortable expressing themselves, the anxiety level of the group lessens by hearing what others have to say.
Step Two: Read, or express in your own words, the introduction on page 2.
Step Three: Ask the group for their definitions of self-esteem, then read the definitions on page 3.
Step Four: Pass out the first handout, Reflections on Myself. (Throughout this manual I have indicated which pages to copy for distribution to the participants by simply placing the word “copy” in parentheses.) Read the directions to the group, emphasizing that this is a quick exercise and to jot down what easily comes to mind. Encourage people to read the paragraph that begins, I am a valuable... to themselves at bedtime and upon waking to set the tone for their day and begin focusing on improving how they feel. Changing negative thoughts, guiding beliefs, and self-talk impacts how one feels.
Step Five: Pass out How Do You Feel About Yourself? Read the first paragraph or summarize it in your own words. Suggest that during the next two handouts each participant check the points that strongly affect each of them. Now, ask each person who chooses to take a turn reading one of the bullets under Signs of High Self-Esteem. Emphasize that one may pass and not read aloud now or at any other time during the course. As each reads a point, suggest that s/he comments, gives an example, or simply says, “I agree with this statement.” Allow room for disagreement. Your job as the facilitator is to keep it flowing. A comment from you helps to move things along; such as, “Thank you,” or “Thank you for sharing,” or “Good point.” Make eye contact and nod your head to signal the next reader to take a turn.
Step Six: Proceed in the same way with How Many People Have a Self-Esteem Problem and Do Not Even Know It.
Step Seven: Read or summarize in your own words Ways to Improve Your Self-Esteem. Suggest each buy a notebook to use for journal writing and a pack of 3x5 cards on which to write affirmations during the course.
Step Eight: The last handout, Take a Look at Your Needs, may be given as homework. Read the first two paragraphs out loud and encourage students to list their needs. It is okay to use some already listed as examples.
Step Nine: About 5 - 10 minutes before the end of the session begin the closing. Ask questions such as, what impacted you the most from this lesson or what are you willing to do this week to build your self-esteem? You might suggest that people exchange phone numbers after class to encourage building a support system that continues beyond the course. Some group members bond and begin meeting for coffee or dinner after a couple of lessons.
Self-esteem is an important foundation of this course. Included in the appendix is Self-Esteem Awareness Can Improve Your Effectiveness as a Group Facilitator. It is helpful to remember that you are learning and growing too. You can only do your best and there will be times when a group clicks and you do an exceptional job facilitating and other times when it just does not meet your standards. This is part of the learning process in working with others and yourself. As you become more familiar with the ideas presented here, you will gain confidence in teaching in your own, unique way and you will develop the skills to adapt the materials to fit each particular group.
I continue to learn from these ideas and I have been teaching and facilitating others for over twenty-five years. I remind myself often that I am a student too and that I am teaching what I am learning. I always learn from the people in the classes.
As more individuals learn about these ideas and apply them, the world becomes a better place. The world heals as individuals heal themselves. I send you good thoughts as you use this manual for self-study or to pass on the ideas in Inner Fitness for Creating A Better You to others. Thank you for the part you play in healing yourself and others.
Love and Blessings,
Suzanne
Lesson 1: How Do You Feel About Yourself?
Let’s Get Started. After the introductions you may read Let’s Get Started or express it in your own words.
Define Self-Esteem. (Copy) Ask for definitions, read the definitions on the handout and discuss.
III. Reflections on Myself. (Copy) Read the first two paragraphs to the group and then ask them to write their answers to the three questions. When most are finished, ask who feels comfortable sharing her/his answers. Discussion follows. Encourage people to read this healing paragraph of affirmations to themselves every day upon awakening and retiring at night.
How Do You Feel About Yourself? (Copy) Read or summarize the first paragraph. Take turns reading Signs of High Self-Esteem. Encourage comments as you go. Ask each person to check in the margin the ones that are important personal issues needing attention.
How Do Many People Have a Self-Esteem Problem and Not Even
Know It? (Copy) Read the first four bullets. The group takes turns reading Signs of Low Self-Esteem and commenting, checking in the margin relevant issues. Group discussion. Ask for questions and clarify issues.
VI. Ways to Improve Your Self-Esteem. (Copy) Read and discuss. Take a moment to reflect, then write on the back of the page, what you are willing to do during this course to build self-esteem. (Copy Journal Questions.)
Take a Look at Your Needs. (Copy) Read top paragraph and allow class time to list their needs. Discuss.
Closing. Group sharing. What impacted you the most today? What will you put into practice this week to build your self-esteem? What is difficult for you? Allow additional comments. Encourage the exchange of phone numbers and suggest that over time some might like to meet for coffee or dinner before or after the class.
Let’s Get Started
Creating a Better You
Warm up: Everyone introduces her/himself, including the facilitator,
and shares what each hopes to gain from this course. This takes 5 - 10 minutes.
Introduction: This class is about becoming your own best friend, strengthening the foundation of your life with healthy self-esteem and better relationships. You empower yourself by taking charge of the one thing you have control over in life, your inner self. Your beliefs and attitudes color all that happens to you. Why not play the hand you were dealt with more awareness? It begins with a decision to get to know yourself better and to take care of yourself on all levels: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. A well-nourished self is creative, energetic, joyful, giving, has rich and meaningful relationships, and is continually growing. This is the path on which this course will lead you.
We will spend a lot of time gathering information and implementing ideas to build a stronger foundation of healthy self-esteem in your life. To some of you this may be your first experience in a self-discovery course and getting to know yourself at a deeper level. To others it will be a reminder of what you already know and will give you the opportunity to put into practice those things you know are good for you. Awareness levels will vary and it is very important to stop comparing yourself to others. You are encouraged to go at your own pace and participate at the level in which you are comfortable.
Our weekly lesson will stimulate many thoughts and feelings. Journal writing is an important key to getting more out of this course. If you do not journal write already, get a notebook and try it for the duration of this class. Even if you initially resist, stay with it for six weeks to test out whether or not it is a helpful tool for you. We will discuss journal writing in more detail a little later. Also, buy a pack of 3x5 cards on which to write affirmations that speak to you during the course. Read them to yourself often.
One more thing before we start our class ─ confidentiality. We respect each other’s privacy and do not discuss the names of group members or personal details of the things members choose to share that would identify them to others outside of the group.
Definitions of Self-Esteem
“Self-Esteem, on a subtle and often unconscious level, is an emotion, how warm and loving you actually feel toward yourself, based on your individual sense of personal worth and importance. It is how you feel about yourself.”
L.S. Barksdale, Building Self-Esteem
“The measure of how much we like and approve of our self-concept.”
Linda Tschirhart Sanford & Mary Ellen Donovan, Women &
Self-Esteem
“Self-Esteem is the experience of being capable of managing life’s challenges and being worthy of happiness.”
National Association for Self-Esteem
“Appreciating my own worth and importance and having the character to be accountable for myself and to act responsibly toward others.”
California Task Force, Toward A State of Esteem
“Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself, based upon your personal evaluation of yourself. You consciously and unconsciously send thoughts, opinions, and images of yourself to yourself. Your perceptions, beliefs, and self-concept may or may not be accurate.
Suzanne E. Harrill, Enlightening Cinderella Beyond the Prince
Charming Fantasy
Add some of your own.
Reflections on Myself
Read the following paragraph and notice the degree of truth for you. You may feel the statements are true, somewhat true, or false. If they are not true for you, begin the healing process by saying these affirmations often to yourself. This will repattern your inner belief structure over time to give you a different experience of life.
I am a valuable, worthwhile person. I deserve love, respect, good relationships, health, and work that uses my abilities. I am capable of living peacefully with others, able to communicate well, to problem-solve, and to resolve conflict. I forgive myself for not being perfect and learn from my mistakes. As I take positive risks to change within, I notice my outer world changes. I enjoy my life, feel good, and I love the person that I am.
What parts of the paragraph make you uncomfortable? are not true for you?
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What gets in the way of this being true for you?
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3. Where in your life do you notice feelings of low self-esteem? high self-esteem?
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How Do You Feel About Yourself?
Happiness, self-empowerment, satisfaction in work, good relationships, and success are all built on a foundation of healthy self-esteem. High self-esteem is a quiet, comfortable feeling of acceptance and love for yourself – as you are. It is respecting and valuing yourself as a worthwhile human being, honestly seeing your good and not-so-good qualities, and taking care of and nurturing yourself so you can become all that you are capable of being. High self-esteem is characterized by congruence between inner states (beliefs, feelings, attitudes) and outer states (behaviors, relationships, health). A person with high self-esteem is self-aware, takes responsibility for life choices by being willing to pay consequences both good and bad, and is actualizing her/his potential. S/he also lives from a place of deep peace with the intention of honoring and respecting self and all others.
Signs of High Self-Esteem
Having an internal locus of control, getting okayness from within, not from others.
Taking care of yourself – physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
Maintaining a balance between extremes of thought, feeling, and behavior. When out-
of-balance, taking action to correct.
Learning from mistakes and being able to say, “I made a mistake.” If it involves another
person, being able to make amends or say, “I’m sorry.” Able to forgive self and others.
Managing your life responsibly.
Honoring individual differences among people.
Listening to other points of view.
Taking responsibility for your own perceptions and reactions; not projecting onto others.
Having the ability to listen to your wise inner self (your intuition), and to act on this
guidance.
Knowing your own strengths and weaknesses.
Choosing continuous self-improvement and taking positive risks.
Balancing being and doing.
Feeling warm and loving towards self.
Giving and receiving love easily, with no strings attached.
Demonstrating self-respect, self-confidence, and self-acceptance.
How Many People Have A Self-Esteem Problem and Do Not Even Know It
Some people with low self-esteem are overachievers who believe that a high IQ, physical beauty, winning at sports, or being Number One assures emotional well-being. They are often motivated by feelings of inferiority that propel them to seek validation of worth (their own and other’s) in outer manifestations; such as, money, power, or praise.
Some people make a practice of devoting all of their time and energy to family and friends and none to themselves. Often they give for the wrong reasons, with hidden agendas and expectations; such as, to be loved, admired, or needed. Unfulfilled people are secretly needy and give conditionally.
Some believe that they can only be loved by earning love and doing something. They then evaluate their worthiness based on what they do, not on who they are.
Some base their self-worth on the opinions of others or on outside indicators, such as the value of their portfolio in the stock market. Turning power outside of self, these people feel like victims.
Signs of Low Self-Esteem
Self-blame, self-criticism, or constantly putting others down through guilt, blame, shame, or faultfinding. Finding forgiveness difficult.
Over- or under-achieving, -eating, -working, -doing, etc.
Playing the victim, rationalizing that outside circumstances are the causes of your problems.
Not taking responsibility for your own life; turning power over to another to make decisions for you, then feeling victimized if the results are not to your liking.
Taking too much responsibility for the lives of others, dominating and making decisions for them.
Fear of change and reluctance to take risks. Or too much change, taking dangerous, unwise risks.
Constant negativity or being so optimistic that reality is denied.
Reacting to others with extreme emotion or no emotion.
Boastfulness, lying, embellishing, exaggerating, and overbearing behavior around others.
Inability to maintain integrity during interactions with others.
Demanding to be “right,” needing to have agreement or have your own way most of the time, or constantly acquiescing to the will and opinions of others.
Constantly comparing yourself to others, thereby feeling inferior or superior.
Black/white, either/or thinking; e.g., believing that a person is either good or bad based on rigid standards of behavior.
Having pervasive deep-seated feelings of fear, terror, or panic.
Speaking with lots of shoulds, oughts, could haves, and yes,buts.
Interpreting the hurtful words or actions of others as proof of your unworthiness.
Ways to Improve Your Self-Esteem
1. Change your negative self-talk. Everyone has a voice inside her/his mind that is continually commenting. The negative, critical, hurtful comments need to be changed. Begin listening to what you say to yourself and then talk back to your negative self-talk with the truth. Speed up the process by saying positive statements or affirmations; such as, “I like myself and am a worthwhile person, I forgive myself for not knowing/being/doing…, I deserve love, inner peace, and fulfillment.” Make a cassette tape, in your voice, of affirmations. Listen daily.
2. Visualize what you want to create in your life. Picture what you want to create, whether it is a new dress or feeling confident in new situations. When you combine an affirmation, with deep feeling, and with a positive mental picture you add power to what you want to create. Look for pictures in magazines that picture what you want to create and glue them into your journal.
3. Nurture yourself. Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Enjoy the times when others are able to nurture you or meet your needs; watch the tendency to set yourself up for disappointment with unreal expectations.
4. Build a support system. You deserve to have at least one person to talk to who accepts you without judging you. Consider joining a group to meet new people.
5. Take time to be alone daily. Spending quality time alone allows you to listen to your inner self. It is time to think, read, write, pray, meditate, or listen to your intuition.
6. Use your talents. Develop your interests. Take classes, find a teacher to begin.
7. Keep a journal. Writing is a good way to get to know yourself, solve your problems, lower your stress level, and balance yourself emotionally. If you have never written before, begin by writing for 20 minutes a day for the duration of this course. Include your thoughts, feelings, and emotional reactions to people and situations that have upset or hurt you. Eventually, insights and wisdom, that under normal circumstances are hidden from you, flow onto the paper. Do not worry about spelling or grammar. Consider using different colored inks to write according to how you feel. Writing clarifies your thoughts, feelings, needs, wants, visions, values, goals, and priorities and helps you communicate better with others. Following are questions to get you started.
Journal Questions to Get You Started
Write about the people and situations that influenced your self-esteem, both positively and negatively, in your early life, as an adolescent, and as an adult? What would you like to say to them or about them right now?
Write about the things you are grateful for in your life? Update this often.
List your needs. Think about needs in five different areas: physical (healthy food, regular exercise), emotional (affection, one person to share intimately with that does not judge you), social (belong to a group, people to play with), mental (stimulating ideas to keep you growing, explore an interest), and spiritual (quiet time to be alonebeing instead of doing).
Write about significant emotional events that have affected you positively and negatively.
What does forgiveness mean to you? Where might you practice forgiveness?
Discuss three short-range goals you have for yourself? List the steps you see as necessary to
achieve them. How will these goals affect others in your life?
What gives your life meaning? List your values (quality time with family, being debt-free
and saving money, integrity, kindness) What do you like about your life? want to change?
Write about a close friend and/or mentor in your life. Describe their impact on your life. Is
it easy or difficult to accept help from another? Write about this. How might you go about
finding a friend or mentor if you do not have this in your life?
Discuss your experience with conditional and unconditional love.
Write about your wishes, hopes, and dreams.
Record your nighttime dreams. Write about your feelings, insights, and messages.
List things you are proud of and things you like about yourself.
Discuss your greatest fear and its effect? What do you want to do about it?
Write letters to people with whom you are angry, feel have hurt or neglected
you, or anyone you feel you treated unjustly. These letters are not to send.
What are the major themes in your life? What lessons do you feel you have
learned thus far within these themes? What do you still have to learn?
What did you learn about expressing your creativity from your mother? your father?
Write your autobiography, then how your past can positively impact your future.
Take a Look at Your Needs
Psychologist Abraham Maslow explained that people are motivated to satisfy their basic needs. Using a pyramid with five levels, he said that as the lower levels of needs are satisfied, people move up the Hierarchy of Needs ladder.
The bottom level describes physical needs as the most basic needs to survive and stay alive ─ food, air, water, sleep, protection from heat and cold, pain avoidance. At Level 2 security needs for safety and protection are important. Level 3 is meeting social needs to respond and communicate; love, belonging, and closeness are important. Level 4 is where self-esteem needs are met to respect one’s self and receive respect from others. Level 5 is the need for self-actualization or to realize one’s potential; creativity, imagination, and self-motivation are important here.
Where do you see yourself operating with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs? Why?
Use Maslow’s categories to assess your current needs and help you figure out ways to improve your life. Here are some examples of needs you may have:
Physical needs: to eat healthy food, to get enough sleep, to exercise
Security needs: move to a safer neighborhood, leave an abusive job or relationship
Social needs: join a group to build feelings of belonging, make a new friend that accepts you as you are, take risks to smile more to show kindness to others
Self-Esteem needs: quality time alone to ponder, meditate, read, etc. in order to do the inner work necessary to become your own best friend, say affirmations to change your negative self-talk, always tell yourself the truth about what you are feeling
Self-Actualization needs: to become more aware, to express interests and talents, to heal and grow, to create, to daydream or visualize possible futures, to meditate on your spiritual purpose, to actualize ideas, to be proactive with solutions to problems
List some of your needs. Check the ones that you know or feel must be addressed at this time. ___________________________________________________________________
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Lesson 2: Building Self-Esteem Awareness
Warm up: Ask each person to share something they did to build their own
self-esteem in the past week. If someone reports no progress or action,
emphasize that it is okay, as each is at a different place on her/his life
journey. Some are gathering information while others are ready to change.
Harrill Self-Esteem Inventory. (Copy) Read the directions out loud,
explaining this is not a test and does not measure one’s self-esteem level.
It simply shows areas that block feelings of self-worth and need to be addressed. After everyone is finished, discuss. Some groups like to go over
each point, while others like to discuss the low-scoring ones. Encourage
people to retake this again at the end of the course and once a year.
Affirmations are positive statements to override negative self-talk and outdated beliefs. Each statement in the self-esteem inventory is an affirmation to heal beliefs that perpetuate low self-esteem. Pass out 3x5 cards to write down low-scoring statements from the inventory. Tape them around the house as constant reminders of new beliefs. Suggest reading them daily, preferably when awakening and before falling asleep at night.
IV. Things Your Family May Never Have Taught You About Self-Esteem.
(Copy) Take turns reading and commenting upon each statement.
V. Acorn Analogy. (Copy) Read. Answer the questions with a partner and
then discuss in the larger group. If you have acorns (wooden, clay, paper,
or real ones), pass them out as a symbol for the potential hidden inside
each of us. Read and Discuss Self-Care Tips.
VI. 60 Ways to Nurture Yourself. (Copy) Ask the group to read silently and
add some of their own to the list. Discuss ways we nurture self and ways we neglect self-care. Why do we forget to take care of ourselves? Suggest everyone set self-care as a priority and agree to practice at least one new
way to nurture her/himself this week. Write it down as a reminder.
Closing: I Am My Self. (Copy) Read out loud or as a guided meditation, suggesting each close their eyes, deep breathe, and imagine themselves in a peaceful place. Suggest that one’s future self is speaking to them and the statements are already true. When finished, ask each to bring the awareness back to the room, feeling rested, and able to drive home safely.
The Harrill Self-Esteem Inventory
Rate yourself on each with a scale of 0 to 4 based upon your current thoughts, feelings, and behaviors:
0 = I never think, feel, or behave this way. 1 = I do less than half the time. 2 = I do 50% of the time.
3 = I do more than half the time. 4 = I always think, feel, or behave this way.
Score SELF-ESTEEM STATEMENTS
_____1. I like and accept myself right now, even as I grow and evolve.
_____2. I am worthy simply for who I am, not what I do. I do not have to earn my worthiness.
_____3. I get my needs met before meeting the wants of others. I balance my needs with those of my partner and family.
_____4. I easily release negative feelings when other people blame or criticize me.
_____5. I always tell myself the truth about what I am feeling.
_____6. I am incomparable and stop comparing myself with other people.
_____7. I feel of equal value to other people, regardless of my performance, looks, IQ, achievements, or possessions (or lack of them).
_____8. I take responsibility for my feelings, emotions, thoughts, and actions. I do not give others credit or blame for how I feel,
think, or what I do.